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The Two Loves Of The Narcissist


For those of you who say that the narcissist cannot love anyone, including themselves – the narcissist can love, but their “love” is different.

The narcissist “loves” their partner or a spouse because they provide them with attention and love. And the narcissist will “love” them for as long as they continue to be reliable and provide them with anything the narcissist needs.

So, the narcissist views other people only as mere objects. They lack empathy and they are emotionally immature. The narcissist’s love is a pathological love.

And there are two types of the pathological narcissistic “love.”

One type of narcissist “loves” other people in the same manner as they get attached to objects. They “love” their partner only because they exist, and they provide them with undivided attention and love.

Similarly, they “love” their children because they play a significant part of the image as the perfect spouse and parent that the narcissist presents to the world. The narcissist “loves” their friends simply because they can get something out of them.

This type of narcissist gets angry whenever their “object” of interest acts with independence and autonomy. Such a narcissist wants to “freeze” everyone around them in their assigned positions and roles. They live in a rigid and immovable world, static, predictable, and completely in their control.

Therefore, the narcissist punishes everyone who doesn’t obey their rules.

The second type of narcissist despises constancy and monotony because they equal a death in their mind. This narcissist wants excitement, drama, and change, but only if they conform to their plans and views of the world and of themselves.

They don’t want any change or development in their partner. So, by monopolizing their lives, this narcissist, like the first type of narcissist, is also reducing their partner to a mere object.

Such a narcissist also rages at any sign of disagreement and rebellion from their partner. However, being an adrenaline junkie, this narcissist animates others with their grandiose plans and demented energy.

Their world is nothing but a whirlwind of loves and hates, separations and reunions, comings and goings. Their whole life equals a theatre, a ferocious and chaotic one.

One could wonder, where is love in all this madness? Where is the happily ever after?

It’s nowhere to be seen.

Behind the narcissist’s “love” there are only fear and hate – fear of losing control and hatred of the people that are closest to them because they are a threat to the narcissist’s “perfect” image. The narcissist depends on these people, and that throws the narcissist off balance.

A narcissist is a person who is committed only to their own well-being. To the narcissist, the objects of their “love” are inferior and interchangeable.

The narcissist tends to idealize them not because they are in love with them, but because they need to captivate them in order for the narcissist to feel secure and convince themselves that they are worthy of attention and love despite their mediocrity and flaws.

But, once the narcissist decides they are no longer fulfilling their narcissistic needs, the narcissist devalues and discards them cold-bloodedly.

Don’t allow them! Walk away until it’s too late and save yourself. 

Image: Toby Blench

Mary Wright