I am sick and tired of listening to people and their cliché questions on how come I am still single given how beautiful, smart, and successful I am. And because I am a nice person, I find it difficult to put them in their place and tell them that it’s not their business.
The truth is, I am not unwilling to be in a relationship. I just don’t want to find myself in a toxic relationship yet again. I had one toxic man in my life. I think I am done.
I am telling myself that I am too busy with work to make space for anyone new in my life. I am convincing myself that love is not my priority because I have other more important to focus on – to focus on my career, my happiness, and getting my life together. Sometimes, I really think that having someone in my life would just be an obstacle for me.
One failed relationship after another failed relationship has put me in a place where I am always questioning myself what is wrong with me and why I can’t have a normal relationship. Why it is that while I am perfectly capable of being on my own and taking care of myself, I somehow can’t function well with another person? I just can’t share my love and happiness with someone else.
Don’t take me wrong, I haven’t given up on love. It’s not that I have given up on dating. I am still open to dating and finding someone who will be right for me. It’s just that it still hasn’t happened to me. Something was always off.
Because you know, I am in a place in my life where I don’t want anything casual. I want a real life-partner. Someone with whom I can start a family one day.
And after that one toxic relationship that destroyed me and shattered my heart, I have serious trust issues. Everyone can be a good person and perfect in our imagination or at the beginning stages of the relationship.
However, things get rocky when we truly get to know them for who they really are. The trouble is, by that time we might be too much in love with them that we can’t walk away so easily from them. And that’s how we get stuck in toxic and abusive relationships.
I feel like, the minute I give someone a chance, I immediately start regretting it. I begin to overthink everything and start looking for signs of toxicity that I end up losing myself. And I am once again putting my walls back up and someone often gets hurt.
I left so many opportunities for a relationship behind only because the one I was so much in love with didn’t love me back. I embraced my singlehood and didn’t allow anyone to come near my heart only because my heart was once broken to a million pieces by the man I called my soulmate.
That man made me realize my worth and how I want and deserve to be treated. My standards are so high right now that if I see only a tiny bit of him in another person, I am immediately running out the door, leaving everything behind.
It’s like I am forever searching the toxic ex in my future partners so that I can run away from him and protect myself this time.
And it’s making me sad because I’ve always believed in love.
But, I won’t give up. I am still patiently waiting for that special someone that will change my life and show me the true meaning of love.