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You Can’t Change People And Force Them To Love You The Way You Want To Be Loved


We, humans, are really strange when it comes to falling in love. Don’t you think?

I am not talking about being picky or anything, I am talking about our innate need to idealize our (potential) partners. Let’s have a look at how the whole dating process really happens.

We meet people. And suddenly the fireworks start to go off. The minute we see that there’s something in common with us and the other person, we visualize a whole future together. The honeymoon haze blinds us completely and our minds paint the most ideal picture of them. They are the perfect partner we’ve always imagined and there is nothing that could ruin that for us.

But, eventually, the honeymoon phase ends and the initial infatuation starts to wear off. And for the first time in our life, we see our partner’s true colors. We become aware of flaws that weren’t there in the first place. Their rough edges start to show off. And the red flags we avoided before now feel like caution signs.

It’s official. They are not the person you think they were.

Let’s face it, part of any healthy relationship or true love is embracing another human being just the way they are.

But happens when you can’t do that? What happens when we start to notice deal-breakers that weren’t there before?

We still want them to be that perfect, flawless person that we fell in love with and deep down we know that we would do anything to bring that person back. We convince ourselves that if this person really cares for us, they would be willing to change for us. And so, we try. We do our best to show fix their flaws. We help them become better. 

And when they refuse to accept our help, when they refuse to change into someone that would suit us better, we get disappointed. Our heart breaks into pieces making us feel like there is something wrong with us. We start to blame ourselves. Suddenly we feel like we are not enough for that person. Like nothing we try to do would ever make us decent for them…

Ultimately, that is how we begin to realize that no matter how much we try, we cannot love someone into becoming who we want them to be. We cannot change them unless they are ready to change. We cannot force them to let go of their identity and turn into someone we would like.

You, my friend, can pour all of your love into someone, you can commit to them to eternity, you can promise to be there for them until life tears you apart, and yet, nothing can guarantee you that it will be enough to keep you two together. If they don’t want to change for you, if they are not ready to give up on who they are to be with you, it is all for nothing. You can literally take your soul and hand it over to them, but they still won’t change.

Get it through your head. It is not you that is the problem. It is not that you are not smart, beautiful, patient, affectionate, present or understanding enough. It is not your fault. The thing is, there is nothing, and I mean literally nothing that you could do to change someone unless they want to change themselves in the first place. The sooner you realize this, the better off you’ll be.

So, stop. Stop trying to mold them into someone who would satisfy your needs.

Stop fixing them. And yes, stop forcing yourself to accept those deal-breakers that make your skin crawl. If you can’t make peace with who they are as a person, then by all means, please let go of them. It is not your job to help them become better. That is a decision that only they have the right to make.

Instead of changing this person, channel all of your energy and time into changing yourself. Reflect on your entire life, On all the things that you’ve been waiting for so long to work on, on all your mistakes, all your insecurities, all your questions, all your ideas. Reflect on your entire existence.

And then, take all the love that you’ve been giving to the wrong people in your life and pour it onto yourself. Give yourself everything that no one could ever give you. Hug yourself in a way that no one ever did. Be the person that you’ve always dreamt of finding.

And always remember. You can’t force people to love you the way you deserve to be loved, but you can learn to love yourself even more and give yourself everything that others couldn’t So, what are you waiting for ?

Stephanie Reeds