Yes, it’s true – there’s no stronger bond than the one between a mother and her child. There’s no love as pure, deep, instantaneous and forgiving as that of a mother for her children.
But, what about those daughters and sons like you who haven’t been lucky enough to be raised by loving and supporting mothers – the survivors of toxic mothers, the bravest souls that could ever exist.
I’m guessing you’re tired of people telling you: “… but, she’s your mother, so you have to love and forgive her.”
Yes, of course, she is. And as a mother it was her responsibility to love and be there for you unconditionally, and to support, encourage, and forgive you. It was her job to teach you how not to be afraid and how to be open to all that life has to offer with excitement and passion. It was her responsibility to be your crying shoulder, your biggest fan, your best friend, your protector.
You love someone by being there for them and by treating them with respect, kindness, and compassion, not by hurting them. Not by undermining their confidence and causing them to doubt everything. Not by depriving them of love and affection and breaking their heart.
Being a mother isn’t just feeding and clothing you or putting on a show so that the rest of the world thinks they’re doing a great job. It’s much more than that. It’s providing the child with a warm, comforting, and friendly environment in which he/she could enjoy their childhood and that will help them grow into healthy adults.
All mothers, parents in general, make mistakes from time to time, and that’s normal, but there are some who completely forget about what being a true mother means.
Growing up with a toxic mother can greatly affect your overall development as a person. It can negatively influence your emotions, behavior, and relationships with other people. It can scar you for life.
That’s why I need you to know that you’re strong and brave, and that I’m proud of you for having the courage to finally say, “enough is enough” and walk away.
And I wish I could take all your pain and guilt away from you. But, you need to know that it wasn’t your fault you were treated that way. You did nothing wrong. It was her choice to treat you like that. You deserve so much better. And I’m so sorry you had to go through the hardest breakup known to the human heart.
But, I’m proud of you for finally telling her: “I’m done subjecting myself to your drama and enduring these stressful situations.”
I’m proud of you for finally deciding to take care of and love yourself.
And who could blame you for cutting the once strong bond you had with your mother because you decided to no longer accept her abuse? You did what you did because you had no other options left.
And I believe everyone will agree that if the mother is caring, supportive, and loving, then a child has no reason to leave or cut ties.
Undeniably, the decision to disengage from emotionally unhealthy parents is never easy for a child even when he/she is grown. It is a heart wrenching, painful decision that doesn’t ever seem to heal.
It’s a decision that will often make you struggle with feelings of guilt, doubts, anger, and sorrow. You’ll often feel confused wondering if the decision you took was right or wrong.
But, sometimes that’s the most reasonable thing you can do to preserve your emotional, mental, and physical health.
However, I just want to make it clear that cutting off the relationship with your toxic mother should be regarded as the last option, and only after all other possible remedies have been tried and exhausted.
For example, the most basic solution is having a calm conversation. If that doesn’t help or if it’s too difficult for you, maybe you should consider having a third, non-biased person present to keep things calm. And if nothing of this helps, and your mother still continues to treat you the same way and refuses to change, then, you’re left with only one option – walk away.
The thing is when you finally stand up for yourself and have enough respect for yourself, people respond either in a negative or in a positive way, and if they choose to not be part of your life anymore, it’s their loss.
No one deserves to be badly treated by manipulative, demanding, toxic mothers. And what, unfortunately, many children, including adults, fail to realize is that there’s no use whatsoever keeping your mouth shut for the “sake of the family” because living such a life doesn’t bring any good to neither you nor the rest of the family.
Maybe you’ve found a middle ground, a place where you can keep your mother at a distance, where you can avoid the excesses of her scarred personality.
Maybe you broke off contact completely.
Maybe you haven’t spoken to your mother for years. I want to tell you to please not feel like the bad one in this situation. Don’t feel bad and guilty for making the decision to cut off ties with her.
It’s you who has been the victim the whole time, not her. Although she, like all toxic people, always see herself as victim.
You just need to work on yourself, find your self-worth, and move on with your life. Because you’ve already proved how brave you are by making the decision to distance yourself from her.
The last thing I’d like to ask you is to never forget that you are a gift. You are valuable. There are so many people who love you and who you have yet to meet who will love you as well. From now on, make sure you take more care of yourself and empower yourself by giving and receiving love from the people who deserve you.
And for those who look at these children and tell them: “Don’t be ungrateful, she brought you into this world, she’ll always be your mother,” please don’t.
They’re neither selfish nor disrespectful. They’re just doing what they know is best for them.