We’ve all loved, and we’ve all lost. But even though we’ve all eventually found the strength within us to move on, the question always remains: “Why do our relationships fail?”
Whether we are aware of it or not, most of us are simply afraid to fall in love. And while we have different ways of displaying the insecurities and fears in our relationships, the one thing that we all have in common is the defense system that we rely on. Our high, stone walls that we believe on some level will keep us safe and sound.
However, we often forget that while these walls offer us a sense of security, they also prevent us from experiencing the most wonderful feelings in life. We may feel safe but the price we pay is often too high. Because it sometimes costs us giving up on love.
So, why do we do it? What keeps us from finding true love and keeping it for all eternity?
1. LOVE MAKES US VULNERABLE
Falling in love and engaging in a new relationship is like entering a dark cave. We have no clue what’s in there or how long it will take for us to get the place that we want. On top of it all, it is pitch black. We are expected to just take a leap of faith and descend into the darkness.
However, even though we are tempted to keep moving, deep down we know that doing this will challenge our core defenses and eventually hurt us. We believe that the more we love, the more we will hurt. Therefore, we choose to back off.
2. LOVE CHALLENGES AN OLD IDENTITY
Most people struggle with harmful feelings of being unwanted. They have trouble finding themselves and realizing how much they’re worth. Instead of encouraging them, their inner voice is a critical, brutal coach who constantly tells them how worthless they are.
All of this is usually a result of painful childhood traumas and experiences that have had a major part in shaping these individuals into adults with zero self-esteem. But the saddest part is that these past traumas often become engrained in some people.
Once they become a part of you and take total control over yourself, it gets pretty difficult to detach yourself from them and see your worth. Even when there is someone who can really see us for who we are and love us regardless of the fact that we cannot accept ourselves.
3. LOVE OPENS PAST WOUNDS
We’ve all had a painful past that we often wish to forget. The difference is in the way we choose to deal with it. Most people aren’t fully aware that burying those past traumas without actually taking the time to understand the reason for them and heal can have a detrimental effect on their wellbeing in the long run.
As a result, they tend to steer away from relationships and intimacy, since the old feelings of anger, regret and loss are too much for them to handle.
4. LOVE CAN BE UNEQUAL
Despite the fear of getting hurt, some people refuse to get involved in a romantic relationship because they are worried that they could never love someone the right way. Especially if the other person is someone who loves them more than anything in the world.
The truth is, love cannot be expressed the same way. The feelings that we have for another human being can constantly change. One day we might feel angry, the next day we might even hate them.
That is all a part of the emotional spectrum. That is why it is important to always embrace the way our feelings develop. Worrying over this instead of accepting it is likely to prevent us from finding happiness in the long run.
5. LOVE STIRS UP EXISTENTIAL FEARS
The more we invest ourselves in a relationship and the more we give ourselves to another person, the more we have to lose. The more we care for someone, the more afraid we are of losing them. It is simple. The fact that these things have a great significance in our lives, makes the thought of losing them unbearable.
So, in a poor attempt to show someone just how much they mean to us, we pick fights to hide our existential fears of losing and sometimes that leads to undesirable outcomes.
If you’ve recognized yourself in this article, don’t despair. You are not alone. We are all afraid. But the one thing we must keep reminding ourselves is that the power lies within us.
Because only by getting to know ourselves, will we be able to find and maintain true, lasting love.