I got my heart broken the first time when I was 22. He called me and said he was on his way to my house and he wanted to talk. I immediately knew what was going on. I knew it was the end of us. And even though my heart was breaking into million pieces I managed to find the courage inside me to meet him and have the soul-crushing talk. I had to experience it all, the anxiety, the sweaty palms, the fast beating of my heart, the fear and excruciating pain of everything that was about to happen.
He picked me up and we went to a quiet place. It hurt. It was one of the most painful experiences in my life. I grieved the loss of the relationship for a whole year. I was so deeply hurt, and my heart was so broken that I just couldn’t give up on the memories we shared. It has been 5 years since then, but I hope that he is happy and knows that I am glad that he broke up with me that night. Because I never could have gathered the strength to do it.
Sometime after the breakup, my best friend decided that our friendship is over. She told me she felt like we are not evolving together and we are not on the same level mentally and energetically. She told me she needed space from me to focus on herself and she wanted to change her life and meet new people. At the moment, I felt abandoned. I couldn’t understand how she could do that to me during the time when I was healing from all the heartbreak and pain from the previous relationship. The pain I felt during that time felt familiar and unbearable because we two were always together. Today, I understand why she separated herself from me and I don’t blame her decision.
I lost several other people during that time. Without even a fight. It felt like the time has come. And with that, I realized that sometimes we don’t need a reason to separate ourselves from anyone. Sometimes we just move on and distance from our previous connections. I noticed that the friendships I had in high school or college when we were only focused on finding someone that will share our energy for going out, partying, and still make it to the 7:30 a.m. class were slowly dissipating with time. We grew apart from one another and we lost each other. Not because we didn’t have a genuine friendship, but because we turned out to be different people with different hobbies and interests.
And although it is still difficult for me to look at pictures I have with the people who are no longer in my life, I wish them well and I cherish those memories. I don’t regret that we separated. I understand that we needed it in order to evolve and grow on our own. If it wasn’t for those experiences, I never would have lived the life I live today. I wouldn’t be the person I am today. All those connections shaped me and made me realize what I want in life and what kind of people I need by my side. And I won’t trade where I am now for anything in the world.