Before him, I was a normal girl. I believed in love and a happy ending. I saw people stuck in abusive and toxic relationships, yet I never thought that the same would happen to me.
Ever since I was a little girl I wanted a normal, happy life. I wanted a place on my own and a man who will love me and with whom I would have children one day. I managed to get my own place, but my love life is still a mess.
Where I went wrong? Did I expect too much?
My beliefs were shattered. My once passionate romantic hero has turned into a villain tearing my heart apart. My dreams became nightmares, and everything was sad. Only extreme pain, devastation, and suffering.
I shouldn’t have fallen in love with him. I should have followed my intuition that was screaming to run away from him. My whole body was disapproving of him – I was constantly stressed out, anxious, and sometimes the pain was even physical.
I decided to follow my heart instead and immediately I fell under his spell and was charmed by his honey words. I even began imagining my future with him. He was the perfect quintessence of everything I have ever wanted in a man. Until he stopped being all that and started showing his true colors.
Am I the one to blame? How could I have known that he was manipulating me emotionally to get what he wanted from me? How could I have known that he would break my heart and kill my dreams?
I admit that somewhere deep inside me, I knew what was happening, but I was in denial. I refused to accept the reality and I fought fiercely against it because I was afraid of who I will become when everything ends.
I hoped he would change. He never did. He continued to drain me until I have nothing left inside of me. I became an emotionless wreck. Even the tears wouldn’t come out anymore.
He blamed me for everything. His mistakes and wrongdoings were somehow my mistakes and wrongdoings. ‘Sorry’ was a foreign word for him. He didn’t feel any remorse or regretted anything because he never really cared about me. He never really cared about anyone for that matter.
He only loved himself. Yes, he was capable of loving someone, only that that someone was himself. When people were following him and attending to his needs he was happy. The moment something didn’t go his way – he would lose it. As for me, he never saw my tears. He never saw my pain. He didn’t care about my feelings at all.
He was extremely jealous. He was jealous of my friends and family. He was even jealous of me. He wanted to separate me from everyone and anything. He was jealous of my fun and kind nature, so, he wanted me to be fun, kind and loving only for him.
He manipulated me into believing things that didn’t even happen. That’s the thing about emotional manipulators – they know exactly how to take advantage of the fact that you love them. Every time he did something terrible to me, he would convince me that it was for the best. According to him, I was the crazy one who was constantly obsessing over nothing.
I was broken and alone, but I decided to brush off my pain and let him go. I decided to fight for my sanity and for my life. To fight for my dreams that were still somewhere inside of me.
I knew that it would take time to heal and to rise from the ashes again. Because I was a victim for too long. And I was scared. I was really scared to love someone again.
But I know that I didn’t deserve a psychopath. I deserve a real man and a real love. So, I stopped feeling sorry for myself and started the healing process. I realized that I should focus on myself and do some inner work to find my balance again.
He may have broken me, but he has only made me stronger!
Image: Marat Safin