I still think of you. Oftentimes, I admit, I feel foolish because I tend to act and behave in a way you would have wanted me to. And the sad thing is that you are not even here to see me. I can only imagine what you would have said to all the questions I am silently asking you in my head.
Sometimes, I wonder if you are in Heaven now, lighting up the skies with your smile.
And then, I wonder if you are watching me from above. Are you laughing when I do something stupid and? Or are you shaking your head when I am about to get myself into trouble?
Do you tell the angels about me? Do they know about the girl I was and the woman I am becoming? Are you proud of me?
It’s been a long and heavy road without you, you know. And I know that it is a selfish thing to be concerned only about my sadness from your passing, but I can’t fight the feelings. The pain and the loneliness overwhelm me.
And when the night comes and I look out at the window from my room, I see the stars shining and I think of you. And I wonder what you would tell me if you were still there with me?
Would you tell me to follow my passions? Would you tell me to be my own independent badass lady and not care for people who don’t deserve my time and attention? Would you tell me to not lose hope because what’s mine will come?
Do you think about me? And when it rains and the raindrops wake me up in the middle of the night, are you them reminding me that you are there, and you love me?
I always think of you. Whenever I see something sad or something beautiful, I always think of you. I think about your serene and calm nature. How sweet, calm, and collected you were every time, even during your final hours. I also think about the ways you used to make me crazy and I miss those times more and more. So, I guess it’s true when they see you don’t value the moment until it becomes a memory.
Please, forgive me for all the times when I didn’t show you how much I care about you and how much I love you. I should have spent every minute of my life with you, telling you how much you mean to me when you were still alive.
And I feel awful that you are not here to hear me.
But I remind myself that even though you are not physically here, you will always be with me, protecting me.
And I hope you are proud of me.