Hello you. Hello, world.
I am exhausted. I am just another overwhelmed human being who feels a little bit lost.
The truth is, this world is sucking the life out of me.
Wake up at 8 am sharp. Get your freaking ass out of the bed because you will be late to work. Don’t forget to scroll through Instagram while you are getting ready in case you missed to like that random person’s photo from last night. Arrive at your soul-sucking, monotonous, 9-5 work. Smile at your boss while he’s plotting his way to exploit you. Finish everything u have for the day even if it is not theoretically possible to do all of that on your own.
Because, hey you have a deadline. You don’t want to have your paycheck cut. Or even worse, fired.
So, where was I? Oh…
Hurry for your appointment. Finish your errands. Tick off everything on your to-do list. Catch up with your family. Have lunch with a friend. Talk about all sorts of meaningless topics. Grab a coffee with another friend. Talk some more about all sorts of meaningless crap. Listen to them rant about their idiotic boyfriend. Waste your whole day. Come home too tired to keep your eyes open and focus on the things you want to do. Fall asleep with your make up on and wake up to another grim morning routine. All over again.
Is this what life really is?
If that’s a yes, then I cannot do this anymore… I’ve had it. I honestly cannot remember the last time I actually had a decent rest. I cannot think of the last time I actually sat down, had a chat with my inner self and silenced that crazy, confused mind of mine that constantly gives me orders.
I have so many things that I want to accomplish and yet I constantly feel as though I do very little. Time is passing by but I feel like I am not getting any work done. Because somehow, no matter how hard I work, there is not enough time to finish all. I am stuck in an extremely low energy mode and I can’t find the way out.
I have endless to-do lists that I never ever find the time to complete. I have endless small tasks that I constantly postpone. I lie to myself thinking that the more I organize, the more organized my life will be. But, reality hurts like a bitch. The more I try to organize my life and stay on top of everything, the more energy I lose.
I naively believe that making lists will help me get my life together and stay on top of things, but it doesn’t. It only makes me more overwhelmed and even more confused because most of the time I don’t finish half of the stuff, and as a result, I end up feeling completely miserable and disappointed in myself.
I’ve created my own vicious cycle and I can’t find a way to get myself out of it.
This world is becoming simply too much for me.
So, no I am not a bitch for canceling the plans for tonight. I am not a selfish person for wanting to spend some time on my own. I am not weird for wanting to be left alone. I am just emotionally and mentally exhausted.
I need to be on my own. If that makes me a self-conceited and bitchy person than so be it. I still choose my health over everything else. Because I cannot even begin to explain to you how it feels to be in my skin right now.
There are days when I don’t feel like myself at all. There are days when I think that I will have a breakdown and wake up tied to a hospital bed. There are days when the overwhelming pressure of existing in today’s world makes me want to run home crying and lock myself in my apartment for days, months even. There are days when I have no will to get up…
Emotional and mental exhaustion is a real thing. It cannot be cured by a nice, 9-hour sleep. It takes more than just a good pillow and a comfy blanket to overcome this condition.
So, if you are reading this and you can relate to this, know that you are not alone. You are not weird, and you are not selfish. You are just having a normal reaction to this chaos of life. If others are running towards their goals, that doesn’t mean that you have to the same. What you have to do is find the perfect pace and stick to it.
Give yourself that break and take care of your wellbeing. You owe that to yourself. Because if you don’t do it, no one will.