There was a time when I was hopeful. There was a time when I was open to love.
That is exactly what made the person I am today.
So, if you are ever wondering why my walls are so high up, or why the gate to my heart is locked with more than million padlocks, hear me out.
I am guarded because I’ve been hurt. I know you are probably thinking to yourself, “Oh, come on. We’ve all been hurt” … But I swear to you, this is different. I’ve been hurt in ways that you cannot even begin to imagine. And it is not like I didn’t get up on my own. I did find my way out of the gutter many times. But for some reason, I kept believing in people. I kept believing in love. I was a fool who no matter how many times got hurt, always chose to wear their heart on the sleeve.
Those choices created the person I am today.
Guarded. Frightened. Confused. Unwilling. Exhausted.
My walls are built high because no one has ever protected me the way I protect myself now.
I am guarded because that is what keeps me safe from getting my heart broken.
I am guarded because I am no longer strong enough to fight.
I am guarded because my heart has been shattered to pieces more times than I can remember.
I am guarded because I no longer trust people’s shallow words and empty promises.
I am guarded because I’ve spent a lot of energy and a lot of time investing my love in people who took me for granted.
I am guarded because I’ve been foolish to think that I will ever find real love and that has brought me a lot of pain in my life.
I am guarded because I’ve finally realized that I am the only person that I can truly rely on.
I am guarded because I am no longer sure whether true love really exists.
So, there… Now you know why I’ve decided to go through life like this.
The truth is, I am more than safe in my iron-solid castle. My walls protect me from getting hurt, but they also protect me from being loved. I am perfectly aware of this. I know that I am now both blessed and cursed. But it is what it is. I’ve made my peace with it.
One day, maybe I’ll find the strength within me and tear those walls.
But until that day comes, I will be guarded because I’ve chosen to be that way.
