Do you know what happens when you wound up single after spending half of your life in a relationship?
You fall apart. You break down completely. You stop functioning. You cry. You scream. You shout. You hate the world around. You lose all hopes and you realize that your life as you know it will never be the same again.
That was me a few years ago. I am past that pain, but I still remember everything very vividly. I think I’ll never forget those moments. They will stay forever ingrained in my heart.
I remember that it was unlike anything I’ve experienced before. It was as if I no longer existed, only I did. That was the hardest part. Every part of me was shattered to pieces. Every time I reminded myself that I will never see him again, or feel his hands caressing my skin, I cried. I screamed aggressively until I no longer felt that lump in my throat. And then came the self-blame. I tried to convince myself that I am the only one responsible for this mess. That perhaps I wasn’t enough for him. That I should have done more for him and the relationship. I went mad. Instead of trying to comfort myself and ease the pain, I added more fuel to the flame. And if that wasn’t enough, anxiety also came unannounced. It pushed me even deeper. Just when I thought I am stronger than all of this, it forced me to reach out and beg him for another chance. But as I said, that only drove me deeper into my black hole of despair. Until one day, I just stop trying. I stopped trying to reach him. I stopped trying to visualize a future with him. I stopped fantasizing about the impossible. And just like that, I stopped torturing myself.
And that’s when I realized. You can’t stop heartache.
Heartbreak is a part of life. You can’t just decide to get up one day and go back to who you were. Heartbreak changes you, no matter how much you resist it. It enters your life, takes everything away from you, faces you with the greatest loss you’ve ever experienced and then rewards you with change. It transforms you, no matter how much you fight it.
I no longer remember the person I was before him. But I can proudly say that I know who I am today.
Today, I am a person reborn. A whole new version of me.
Yes, I will always have a scar on my heart. A scar that will forever remind me of a time when life challenged me. But today that scar is stitched and I can gladly say that worst is over. Those parts of me that once bled are now healed. But it didn’t happen overnight. It took me time. It took me patience. I had to feel all the pain flowing inside of me, survive the darkness that took over my life, accept it, cry it out to finally get up on my feet and move on.
I want you to know that life will not be easy on you. It won’t always follow your plans. And love? Well, love won’t feel like sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes it will hurt you in ways you never imagined. It will wound you so bad that you’ll suddenly feel too weak to find the strength within you to carry on. You will try to get yourself out of that darkness, but you’ll fail. And you will convince yourself that there is no hope for you left.
That’s not true. I need you to know that. No matter how deep you are, I want you to know that there is always a way out. If I am wrong, I wouldn’t be here speaking my truth, would I?
My advice? Breathe in, breathe out and embrace it all. Accept everything that you are going through, for that is the only way to survive. That is the only way to grow through it. Embrace the pain as a part of you, feel it stinging your heart, allow yourself to feel horribly, cry it all out until you are out of tears, laugh it out and then pick up your wounded self and move on.