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Dating Coaches And Pastors Should Stop Implying It’s Single Women’s Fault They Are Not Married


John Gray is a megachurch pastor who is teaching women how to be marriage material and why they are not married yet. “Too many women want to be married but you’re walking in the spirit of ‘girlfriend’,” he says.

“Here’s what the Scripture says: He that finds a wife finds a good thing. … You’re not a wife when I marry you, you’re a wife when I find you,” Pastor Gray said, adding his own interpretation to Proverbs 18:22.

“A ‘wife’ is not the presence of a ring, it’s the presence of your character. Ask the Lord to deliver you from that spirit [of ‘girlfriend’], and carry yourself like you’re already taken, and I promise you, when you carry yourself like a wife, a husband will find you.”

WOW! In other words, he is shaming single unmarried women, saying it is their fault for not being married. Moreover, he implies that being married is a sacred thing and those who are married are on a higher level of existence.

Men – dating coaches, and especially pastors – listen to me.

First of all, I need to say that Pastor Gray seems to be a good man, but I personally find his teachings wrong and dangerous on many levels.

Yes, marriage may be sacred and special to the individuals who are married, but you shouldn’t say that it is an institution that everyone aspires and deserves to be in it.

If women come to you in pain, asking you why they still haven’t found the love of their life despite trying everything they could, it is not right to manipulate and even mock their pain by telling them they don’t have the “spirit of a wife.” It is also a very sexist statement which implies the old Madonna-whore complex – good women (the marrying kind) vs. bad women (the unworthy of marriage).

According to him, if a man has not yet found a wife, it is not because some women are independent and they don’t want to be married, and it is certainly not because her life has more purpose than being married. No! There must be something wrong with the character of the woman. She is definitely doing something wrong.

That is a disrespectful thing to say to any woman, especially the woman who already feels unlovable and unworthy. It is wrong to tell her that she will find a husband as long as she changes her behavior and fundamental things about herself.

Enough! Let’s all stop with this nonsense thinking that married people are some virtuous class of people. Marriage is a choice, and it is certainly not an accomplishment.

Being single is not a disease that marriage will cure.

Therefore, dating coaches and pastors, next time a woman comes to you asking why she isn’t married yet, I advise you to tell her the truth. That she should have her own purpose in life that goes beyond whether she is married or has children. You should help her to break the toxic cycles she is in and teach her self-confidence. Tell her that she must love herself first. Tell her that she is enough. That she is valuable. That she must never look for validation from other people.

You can call me a feminist, but, the truth is that men may never face the pressure from the society that women face every day. Men’s value was never been affected by their marital status, unlike women who were seen by the majority as being worthless if they are not married or don’t have children.

I say enough with this patriarchal oppression! Every woman is beautiful and worthy and she must never be judged by her marital status!

Mary Wright