People, why is it so hard for us to express our true feelings?
Why is it so fricking hard to say what we mean?
It’s a fact that most of us don’t know how to handle a confrontation, but it is also a fact that feuds and conflicts are an inevitable part of our lives. No matter how much we try to avoid them, they always find their way back to us.
There are thousands of wrong ways for manifesting a frustration.
But anger is probably the most important emotion that helps us communicate something truly significant. Both direct and indirect anger force us to make things clear and get something off our chest.
However, anger it’s also a manifestation of an emotion that can make drive people away from us.
Most of the people I know are convinced that passive-aggressiveness is actually a nice and polite way to avoid confrontation. However, it is not. In fact, when you think about it, it is actually a lot worse.
Saying something that you clearly don’t mean in order to calm the waters while there’s a terrifying hailstorm inside of you is a truly deceitful and insincere way of dealing a certain situation.
Both direct and passive aggression will result in driving people far away from you. The only way to maintain a truly meaningful connection with another human being and really say what’s on your mind is through a much calmer approach.
Here’s how to express your anger, but at the same time watch your mouth:
1. UNDERSTAND WHAT’S REALLY HAPPENING AND START BEHAVING MORE SELF-AWARE
If you feel like you’re about to burst into flames, pace yourself. Don’t be so quick to release the demons inside of you before you actually understand the real reason for their manifestation.
When we are angry, our mind stops functioning rationally. Instead, it allows emotions to take over our sanity. And before you know it, your hands are shaking, and you can’t even think straight.
One effective technique I’ve learned from my mother (who by the way learned it from her high school teacher) is counting to ten, or maybe more if you feel like it.
I’m a truly impulsive person, so trust me on this. It works like magic. Breathe, count, take a walk if you need, cool your flames and try to talk it out.
2. TRY TO UNDERSTAND THE MEANING OF YOUR EMOTIONS
Always look for the root of your rage. Is your aggression a result of something much bigger? Do you have some unfinished business that keeps making you anxious?
Our pain is directly correlated with much deeper parts of ourselves. Once you figure out what is the reason for your emotions, you’ll be able to establish a healthy communication.
3. ASK YOURSELF IF YOU’RE BLAMING SOMEONE WHO ISN’T GUILTY
This is often the result of avoided emotions. When you are too afraid or too ignorant to ask yourself, what is the cause for your mental state, you find it easier to put the blame on someone else.
However, this kind of behavior will backfire nastily. You’ll only drive all the people away from you, ending up frustrated more than ever since they weren’t the reason for your anger.
4. START QUESTIONING
Try thinking out of the box for a change. You are not the only person who is experiencing this. Have you tried putting yourself in the other person’s shoes? Have you felt what is like to be them?
Instead of lashing out, try to be more considerate and start questioning their behavior. Instead of arguing, ask them why are they doing the things they are doing.
5. BE MORE COMPASSIONATE
Try to handle things calmer. When you ask someone “why” instead of aggressively insulting them you open the door to honest and heartfelt communication.
You say yes to civilized and peaceful talk. You agree to make compromises. And that’s the only way to become more patient, empathic and tolerant human being.
6. COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY
Talk it out. Express your feelings. Tell the other person who you really feel. But, never stop at “I”. Instead, ask them to share their own experience, their perspective and try engaging in the conversation by showing a genuine interest in their emotions.
7. LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES
Let your mistakes guide your way.
Let them help you see the right path for you. And always remember, everything that ever happened or didn’t happen to you is a learning experience.
A real mark of emotional intelligence and maturity is the ability to accept your wrongdoings, learn from them and move on regardless.
8. THEY ARE COMPLETELY AWARE OF THEIR STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES
Emotionally intelligent and mature individuals know exactly where they stand. They are fully aware of the things they control and the parts of their life that are out of their reach.
They know their flaws as much as they know their strengths. And it’s their self-awareness that helps them cope with stressful and unpredictable situations.