Have you ever loved a man so deeply that you naively thought that you have finally found the one? That you finally found everything that you wanted in one man?
I did. I found a person that was the perfect embodiment of someone who I wanted to marry one day. He had all the characteristics to be my happily ever after. He was smart, funny, sexy, charming, and courageous. Everything I have ever wanted.
Little did I know that my Prince Charming would turn out to be a narcissist.
After that relationship, I was a complete mess. Nothing was making me happy. I thought that I was the saddest human being that ever existed. I was not living – I was barely surviving.
The memories were the worst. They would come to me in waves, one by one until they completely destroy me and shatter the pieces of my broken heart into even smaller bits (as if they could become any smaller).
I wasn’t like this. Before him, I was always radiating with happiness and I was thankful for all the good things in my life. I enjoyed my life and grasped every moment of it with immense enthusiasm. I was emotionally balanced and stable woman who wanted to see everyone around her happy as I was.
However, my horrible experience with the narcissist shake me up to the core and transformed me into a completely different person. The happiness turned into sadness, the enthusiasm into anxiety, and my radiance was replaced with depressive episodes that were happening repeatedly.
I was ashamed of the person I had become. I was ashamed that I allowed him to play with my emotions and cause me to lose my balance. I should have known better than to fall for his false words and deceptive behavior.
The thing was, I really believed in him. He made me think he was someone honest and that he would never do anything to hurt me. That he is the person that I could always count on.
He made me feel secure only to make me drop my guard and become dependent on him. That was his ultimate mission – to gain the complete power by making me powerless and insecure.
I really loved him. Or I thought so. I gave him my heart and soul. Deep inside I knew something was wrong. My body was rejecting him. I was feeling uneasy and anxious every time I was around him. I feared losing him. I was refusing to accept the fact that if it is true love I am not supposed to feel that way.
I ignored every instinct and gifted him with my body and soul. I became his prisoner.
I trusted he would change. You see, I always believed in love. I believe in the good in people. So, I waited for him to change and start loving me in a real way, the way I deserved to be loved. Sadly, he wasn’t capable of that.
He was someone who was feeding on my misery. Someone who destroyed my confidence and self-esteem. Someone who made me question my own sanity, who was making me feel like a crazy person.
Luckily, I found myself again. I went through hell with him, but I managed to find my heaven again. And I found it in myself.
I found it when I decided to pick myself up and start mending my heart. When I finally realized my worth. I was worthy of love. He was the one who didn’t deserve the genuine love that I offered him.
It was his loss, never mine.