He was charming, addictive even. A dream come true. And I was his prey.
My tongue was constantly twisting because he was always catching me in “lies.” And the funny part was, I’ve never told a single lie.
But, his accusations, questions, and snide remarks never stopped. Somehow, I was always the one to blame for everything that was going on in our relationship.
If this situation sounds familiar to you and you tell yourself that the situation and the person are going to change – you are wrong.
What I’ve learned from my experience is that every time you start to explain yourself, you give permission to the other person to question you and your character.
In other words, you are willingly submitting yourself to their criticism and judgment without cause, and by doing that you waste a precious time and energy for nothing more than keeping their fragile ego at ease.
All they are trying to do is turn away the attention of their own vile actions and shift it towards you, often times accusing you of something that is completely different from what you do and who you are as a person. What happens is that they are actually pointing out some things that happened in the past, or maybe haven’t even happened at all.
I dated an abusive narcissist like that for one year and trust me I know what I am talking about.
This devilish charmer recognized the perfectionist, the people pleaser, and the need for validation in me which made me his perfect prey. And I should have known this the moment I started questioning my behavior and character.
If you are with someone who constantly asks for more information about your sex life – walk away from them. No one needs to know with how many men or women you’ve been intimate with. They don’t need to know your last crush or hook up.
If they remember every single detail, and if you, for example, say “7” instead of “8” the next time they ask, and they are immediately calling you a liar or a cheater – stop the madness and walk away!
If you constantly feel like they are trying to manipulate you and set you up for failure – they probably are.
It doesn’t matter if you have every right to be upset with them. You are not allowed to question their behavior. And as to your feelings – they are never going to be validated.
Whatever assumptions and questions they have thought of when they were out and about doing God knows what, they will make you shut up and answer their accusations like you are the bad guy.
You can do that, or you can walk away. Please, walk away.
Don’t explain yourself when they accuse you of being promiscuous. If they think of you that way, let them.
Don’t try to keep reminding them of what a good girlfriend or a boyfriend you are, and how much you care and love them. If they don’t trust you, and if they don’t see your qualities – you are better off without them.
And I repeat, DON’T TELL THEM THAT YOU WILL DO ANYTHING TO PROVE YOURSELF TO THEM.
You will waste your life always explaining yourself for things that you shouldn’t. You will be always on the defense. Always accused without cause.
Trust me, they will never change. And they will never be willing to do the same for you.
There are no excuses, no logical reasoning, no justifications for their behavior. They are the way they are, and you deserve someone better.
Don’t forget that.
Love yourself and let them go.
Image source: Víctor Candia