Addiction is a terrible, terrible thing. I’ve never had any addictions before, such as cigarettes, drugs, or alcohol, but I learned how bad they are when I got addicted to my ex-boyfriend who was toxic for me.
We started seeing each other casually and quickly we became addicted and codependent on each other. I was doing everything for him. I was catering to his needs and demands which weren’t small. And nothing I did was ever enough for him.
I didn’t realize how far I’ve let him control me. He made me feel as if I am nothing without him. I falsely believed that I needed him like I need air to breathe and even though he was suffocating me, I couldn’t live without him.
The most horrifying and humiliating thing that I’ve ever had to admit to myself was that I was in love with a man who abused me and treated me like crap.
Before we even got into a “committed” relationship, there was an inkling feeling inside of me that something’s not right. Every fiber of my being was telling me to run and save myself, but I chose to ignore my instincts.
The Addiction Behind Push & Pull Relationships
I’ve become an addict. I was addicted to my ‘torturer’. I was addicted to the pain he was giving me daily. I was addicted to the toxic cycles of breaking up and getting back together. I was in a hellish rollercoaster where the highs were ecstatic, and the lows were heart crushing.
Psychologically speaking, this toxic cycle is one of the most difficult ones to break mainly because every time your ‘tormentor’ pulls you back in, the reward part of your brain is triggered. This leaves you miserable and desperate to claw your way back into their arms every time they push you away.
Learning To Say ‘NO’ When You Want To Say ‘YES’
Addiction is undeniably one of the worst feelings. You are aware that you are killing yourself by staying with him, and yet, you can’t say ‘no’ and close the door on him forever.
Why? Because subconsciously, you still think you can’t find anyone like him and that he is your true love.
The same thing happened to me. Every time I decided to leave him, there he was – acting like I was all to him and saying he will change for me. It never happened. His behavior was getting worse and worse.
Burning Down The Bridges
I restrained myself from seeing him. I changed my number. I even changed my address for a while until I was able to say ‘no’ to him on my own.
He told everyone that I was the one who was crazy. However, as time passed by, people saw that he was the crazy one after seeing every woman leaving him because of his manipulative and cheating nature.
And I am happy for burning down all the bridges between us and finally breaking down the vicious cycle we were in. Of course, my heart is still in pain, but I am slowly healing.
And I am at peace because I know I’ve made the right decision. I was brave enough to choose myself and let him go.
Now I Know Better
Before my experience with a toxic relationship, I couldn’t understand those who were saying they can’t leave their abusive partner. That was because I haven’t been able to understand the ‘magic’ and the allure of a toxic relationship until I got into one. This shit is really like a drug.
But now, I know better. I know how capable my heart is of giving and receiving true love and devotion. And I know that I don’t deserve to have a toxic partner in my life. Not anymore.
If you too are experiencing this, please know that you are not alone and please have the courage to leave your toxic partner as soon as possible. Save yourself before it’s too late.