Narcissists are very misleading. They have an undeniable charm and aura around them. They have a sparkling intellect and that leads other people to think they are mature and responsible human beings.
Yet, this is a grave mistake.
The Dorian Grays of the world are eternal children, irresponsible, immature, emotionally labile, infantile, and morally inconsistent. They actively encourage others to believe in them and to form expectations of them only to frustrate and disappoint them later.
The narcissist does his damnedest to avoid intimacy. They constantly lie about every aspect of their life which provides them with an advantage over other people. The lies that they tell serve them as a means of avoiding intimacy and paving a way of separateness and mystery over the narcissist’s acts.
The narcissist’s intimate partner usually describes the life with them as growth-cramping and frustrating. To live with a narcissist is like living with an “alien,” an emotionally-absent non-entity, usually accompanied with feelings of punishment and imprisonment.
And the reason for this is because most narcissists fall prey to unresolved issues and conflicts from their childhood with their parents (usually with the parent of the opposite sex). Thus, the development of the narcissist’s intimacy skills is destroyed at an early stage. So, by frustrating and punishing their partner, the narcissist “gets back” at the abusive parent.
The narcissist remains the hurt child. Their attitude is one and only – to not be hurt again.
The need to be in control is the narcissist’s reaction to having been abandoned, neglected, avoided, ignored, smothered, or even abused at an early stage in their life.
“Never again,” vows the narcissist, “If anyone will do the abandoning, it will be me.”
Lying is a second nature to the narcissist. The lies are so constant that they begin to believe their own lies because they are a representation of what the narcissist wishes they can be, but they are not.
When it comes to love, the narcissist is unable to love anyone, including themselves. When they are in a relationship, they get easily overwhelmed, and they start feeling trapped, so they flee – either physically or by becoming emotionally distant and absent.
In other words, the narcissist is never there for their significant other. They are a bad friend, lover, and parent.
The narcissist is constantly putting the people around them to a constant test to find out whether they will accept them as they are however obnoxious. Or in other words, do people love the narcissist for what they really are or are they only infatuated with the image that the narcissist presents so perfectly to the world.
The narcissist treats people as though they are objects. They mistreat others constantly by showing off their superiority over them, by criticizing them, or by being emotionally absent and cold towards them.
The narcissist’s relationships are all deformed and sick.
The narcissist is immature in every aspect of their life. They also have a tendency to pick wrong partners for them thus bringing about their greatest fear – the fear of abandonment. Because even the most loyal admirers and lovers will ultimately abandon the narcissist.
And when such a thing happens, the narcissist breaks down their defenses. The narcissist starts feeling lonely, and the whole situations seem unreal to them. Then, they either start feeling guilty or they start blaming their partner for everything.
These crisis moments might be the only occasions when the narcissist is in touch with their emotions – an experience they’ve been trying to avoid all their life.
However, the narcissist soon recovers from feeling like this and quickly moves to another “toy,” another object of gratification. The narcissist’s wounds heal fast because they are shallow.
Many narcissists are very good at misleading people and faking emotions. However, their true colors are exposed when they leave someone and lose interest in them because they have found another person that satisfies better their needs.
Finally, we all exploit each other to a certain degree. But, the narcissist abuses people. They mislead their partner to think that what they have is special and that they share a strong bond. And when their partner discovers that that was all a big fat lie – they feel devastated.
If you are involved with someone who is a narcissist, please make yourself a favor and leave. Protect your heart and your sanity because if you don’t do it yourself, no one else will.
Image: Samm Dewaele