Sometimes I stop myself from writing about you because I fear that the memories and feelings will return to me again. I am scared to think about you and start missing you even more.
I miss everything about us. I miss our late-night talks. I miss our inside jokes. I miss you saying you won’t ever leave me because I am your lover and your best friend, and your life wouldn’t be the same without me in it.
I do my best to stay distracted constantly because I am fighting the urge to text you or call you and tell you how much I miss you. That I forgive you and I’ve put everything behind me. That I am ready to start again with you because I love you.
But that’s the worst part I think. Because if you were to answer and come back to me – I would let you back in in a heartbeat. My heart would open up to you without problems. And we’ll start loving and hurting each other from square one. Because that’s what we do.
I can stop thinking for a moment and convince myself that this time around will be better. That those things you said to me actually meant something. I can tell myself that you loved me, that you never meant to leave me, and that you would fight anyone and anything to save our relationship.
But, I can’t continue lying to myself. I cannot betray myself again like that.
I know that I’ll be better. I know that I’ve been healing and recovering all this time. I’ve done the work and I am starting to feel like myself again.
And I want you to stay away from me. Lie to me, don’t lie to me – whatever. Just stay away from me.
Because the day will come when your name won’t mean anything to me.
The day will come when I’ll finally forget you. Our memories won’t hurt. My heart won’t tremble at the thought of you. You’ll be only a dear memory.
One day I’ll forget you because I will have everything that I deserve.
I’ll have someone by my side who will appreciate me. Someone who will show me what loyalty looks like. Someone who I can trust. Someone with whom I can build a future.
I remember that I was so close to giving up after you. But you didn’t break me even though you were dangerously close. Instead, I decided to fight and fight and fight until I get what I deserve.
And I know I will. I will have my fairytale with someone who truly loves me. Someone who will give a meaning to ‘forever.’