People often don’t understand why I behave the way that I do sometimes. They don’t know why I often cancel plans at the last minute or spend days alone inside my home. They think that I’m just being weird or anti-social. In reality, my anxiety has taken over. It controls my thoughts, my actions, and the way that I see the world around me.
I feel hopeless and lost. Sometimes, I truly believe that there’s nothing that I can do to save myself. My anxiety is a monster that’s turned my life into a waking nightmare and there’s no way that I can escape from it.
It Tells Me That Everyone Hates Me
My whole life feels like that moment when you walk into a room and everyone goes quiet. It’s the feeling of being judged constantly by everyone – strangers, friends, and family. I’ve convinced myself that everyone around me truly despises me, even though I know deep down that it isn’t true.
When someone takes too long to reply to a text, I’ll be sure that they’ve gotten fed up with me. Despite this, getting a reply is often much worse. I’ll read between every line, wondering what they really meant, what they were thinking, and how much they hate me.
Being around friends is the hardest part. I want to see them, I really do, but when I finally work up the courage to leave my home and socialize, I freeze. It’s like I’m not really there when my friends and I are together. I become too scared to speak and be rejected by the people that I care about most.
It Always Tells Me That the Worst is Happening
Everything has a rational answer, but I can’t get to those answers most of the time. I jump past them and move on to the worst possible scenario. If someone is late to meet me, I’m sure it’s because they crashed their car on the way. When I’m having a panic attack, I’m convinced that I’m having a heart attack.
I live in constant fear of what could be happening at any moment. There is no peace while anxiety rules my life. It tells me that the worst isn’t just a possibility, it’s a reality. The worst part is that I believe it.
It Tells Me That I’m Worthless
Nothing I do is ever good enough for my anxious mind. I’m constantly looking at all my failures and putting myself down for everything I’ve done. Even when someone praises me I still think “it’s not good enough.”
I have no confidence left in myself. Because of my anxiety, I’m sure that I will mess up anything that I try to do in my life. I’m afraid to go out into the world because I know that people are staring at me and wondering what the hell is wrong with me. It doesn’t matter how much I achieve, I will always feel worthless.
My mind constantly tells me everything that’s wrong with me. Over and over again I hear it taunting me, saying that “you’re not pretty enough … you’re not smart enough … no one is ever going to love you.” No matter how much I fight that demon, it still beats me every time.
I may make mistakes sometimes and I may not always do the right thing, but I am not a monster. The anxiety that has taken over my life is the monster. Sometimes I wonder if it will follow me until the end of my days, or if there’s any hope left to live a normal life. I pray that one day it will leave me because I can not go on like this forever.
If you have struggled with these same demons, I am so sorry. I hope that you can find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone in this. We will fight this monster together.