Oh, the Narcissist. I am sure you all have met him. And you are meeting him constantly. Narcissists are all around you. You marvel at their success constantly. You listen to their lectures, read their books, admire their confidence, vote for them, and wish you were as charming and confident as they are…
Or, perhaps you engaged in a more meaningful and intimate relationship with him. And how do you two meet? Well, my guess is the Narcissist was the one who gave you a hand and built you up when you were down and feeling depressed. Maybe the Narcissist was the one who make you smile again when your heart was broken. He was the one who showed you the light at the end of the tunnel and you trusted him.
Why? Because he was everything to you: He was your lover, your best friend, your partner in crime, your confidant, your savior, your inspiration, the love of your life… But soon he turned out to be your biggest and most horrible nightmare.
When he first saw you, you were probably at your worst. You were broken. Your self-esteem was low. You didn’t love yourself enough to react on the first red flags you saw because you didn’t want to be on your own again. Not when you found someone so charming and attractive who showed so much interest in you and made you feel loved and understood.
He knew this. You were an easy prey for his mind games because of your empathetic and genuine heart. You only wanted to be love and be loved. And he showed you love and became everything you ever wanted only to destroy you later.
He tells you – you are liar, incompetent, ignorant, needy, crazy, immoral, untrustworthy… He tells you all these things and you believe him. You let him abuse you because you were used to the abuse. Yet, he is the one who lies, and he lies through his teeth. His lies are so believable because he doesn’t feel like he is lying. The lies have become his truth and he lives by them. And if you were to question him about something, he would make you question your own sanity which is something you do anyway since you derive your confidence from him. You trust him. From the moment you started dating you put all your hopes in him and he became your stability and your safe place you called home.
After a while, the abuse becomes intolerable, and you find yourself in a constant pain and agony. You start seeing him for the person he is. Yet, you can’t leave him because you are dependent on him. He managed to separate you from every person that was dear to you. Therefore, you feel that if you walk away, you’ll be walking away to a place of eternal loneliness and emptiness.
If, however, you tell other people about him, they won’t believe you? Why? Because to the external eye, the narcissist appears to be wonderful and caring human being, in comparison to you, who is upset, emotionally imbalanced and lack direction. Moreover, the more you try to change him and make things right, the more they tell you that you need to change because you are the crazy one. You make them angry and lose control. You are the reason for their frustration because you are ruining their “perfect” image.
But, you want to know a secret? The narcissist can be and is his own worst enemy. His life is nothing but an illusion. He doesn’t know who he is and what he wants. Nor does he care to find out. He creates his perfect world of illusions because he wants others to admire him. Admiration and attention from others are his food. He cannot live without them.
Fortunately for him, due to his charms, he can always find new objects willing to marvel at him for as long as he gets bored with them and goes off to find new victims.
Of course, he knows he is different. That’s why he is hostile to you. He hates you because he is terrified to be left out in the cold. He is afraid that his magic will stop working and others will realize they are fine without him. That’s his worst fear.
Can he change? Will he ever be able to have a healthy relationship?