Saying goodbye breaks my heart because I wanted us to make it. I wanted every lie you have told me to be true. I was desperately building you up in my head not caring about what other people were saying.
In my mind, I saw your potential. I saw you for the man you could be one day. Those thoughts were keeping me stuck because they were giving me hope that not everything is lost and that we still have a chance for a future together.
A future that you promised we are going to have one day…
However, I could no longer fool myself and wait for your ‘one day’ while you were feeding me with lies and well-thought excuses. I caught you lying many times and you denied it every time. I thought I was losing my mind. I thought I was going crazy. The cost of waiting for you to become the genuine man you could be was just too much. I felt like I was setting myself up for pain and heartache.
I tolerated you disrespecting me. Every loud fight was leaving me in tears because it was never your fault. You were a master of playing the blame game and making me feel guilty for everything.
You were breaking my heart and yet, I was the one apologizing to you.
I knew that if I stayed with you, I would have to watch myself getting hurt. I cannot look at my reflection in the mirror knowing that I deserve better. I cannot stay in a relationship knowing that it may destroy me in the end.
And all I ever wanted was your love. Because I loved you with all my heart.
But I forgive you. I forgive you for everything because I don’t want to live with hatred in my heart and negative thoughts about you. I forgive your 2 am calls. I forgive your comebacks after ignoring me for days. I forgive you making me apologize for things I was not guilty of.
But more than anything, I forgive myself for mistaking your behavior for love.
We were so incompatible, but we loved each other in our own way. I remember spending many nights awake while tears were streaming down my face because the pain inside my heart was getting too heavy for me to carry. And I know you were hurting in your own way.
I know you had control issues because many things in your life didn’t go like you planned. Therefore, the only control you had was over me. I understand that. But I am also sure that my broken heart will haunt you because I was the only person who was trying to understand you and love you regardless of everything. I was the one person who believed in you.
And all you ever did was push me away…
So, this is a ‘goodbye’. I am finally letting go of you and our past. And maybe you’ll realize how much you love me while I am gone, but this time I won’t care.
I know that one day you could be the man I always wanted you to be. And maybe one day you’ll wake up with the thought of me and you’ll be the one hurting because you let me go. No, don’t get me wrong. I don’t want you to be in pain. What I want for you is to learn your lesson and never treat anyone like you treated me.
Because I didn’t deserve that. No one deserves that.
As for me, I am choosing to walk away and never look back. And I’ve never felt this good before. I have finally let go of the pain and I am now determined to find the love I deserve.
So, this is a ‘goodbye’.