Anyone who has ever been truly in love knows that breaking up is emotionally devastating. Pain courses through every nerve in your body and your heart feels like it’s breaking into countless tiny pieces. You are consumed with a constant intense feeling of loss. You feel desperate.
No matter how mentally and emotionally tough someone is – breakups hurt like hell.
But have you ever stopped to think about why this is so? Why do breakups hurt so bad?
We generally believe that the reason behind the pain is not having the amazing man or woman by our side anymore. We think that our partner’s absence is causing us to suffer and that getting them back will make the pain go away. However, this isn’t always the case and the underlying reason, more often than not, goes a little bit deeper.
As humans, we all long to be loved. We all long to find that one person who will make us feel accepted, cherished, valued, and worthy of love. And when we find that person, we cleave to them.
We hold onto them because we like the way they make us feel. And if you’re a little bit weak in your sense of self-love, then that person fills that void and comes to represent self-love for you. Of course, when they leave, the pain is unbearable. Because not only are they gone, but they also took something very important away from you – your sense of self-love and self-worth.
When a relationship fails, it is very easy to get caught up in a destructive cycle of longing for the other person and reliving memories trying to figure out what went wrong between you.
Nevertheless, what you need to remember here is that it’s not him or her that you’re missing and longing for. The fact that your relationship failed is all the proof you need that this person wasn’t right for you. What you are missing and yearning for is the sense of fulfillment and love they gave you.
Realizing this is essential since it’ll help you understand that getting that person back is not going to make your pain and emptiness go away.
Another thing you need to realize is that trying to figure out whether you said or did something that messed things up is nothing else but a complete waste of time. It wasn’t anything you said or did. Rather, it was the fact that you relied so strongly on them to give you something that only YOU can give yourself.
You let your sense of self-worth and self-love depend on them. You allowed them to determine and shape your own happiness.
Are you wondering how I know all this? Well, I once fell deeply in love with a man that wasn’t right for me. I stayed in a relationship with him for three years. I stayed with him even though I knew that I loved him more than he loved me.
I stayed with him although he didn’t behave towards me the way I knew I deserved to be treated. I stayed with him although he didn’t appreciate and love me the way I knew any other man would. I stayed in a relationship with him because when he was around, I felt special. And I may have not felt like I was the happiest person in the world, but I felt loved.
I felt loved in the only way that he was capable of loving me and that – that was enough to keep me around.
When we broke up, I was a mess. Rather than taking the time to heal my wounds and work on myself, I spent countless days and nights trying to figure out how I had messed things up and why I suddenly didn’t deserve his attention and love anymore.
So, because my sense of self-worth was almost non-existent, I tried to gain self-esteem by trying to attract as much male attention as I possibly could.
There’s no need to say that this behavior didn’t ease my pain – it just made me seek out more validation and approval. And it wasn’t important to me how many guys liked me and wanted to be with me. At the end of the day, the only guy whose approval and love I still longed for was his.
No amount of compliments, sweet words, and affection could ever compensate for the fact that the person I loved the most was gone, and with that, any sense of self-worth and self-love that I once possessed.
However, over time, I realized that it was not him that was missing in my life – but self-love. It took a lot of time and effort, but gradually I did learn to love and appreciate myself the way I was. When that happened, I stopped longing for him. I stopped longing for anyone’s love because I was finally able to love myself. I was finally able to treat myself with respect and dignity.
I was able to love myself in ways no one ever could nor ever will.
And people who are aware of their worth and truly love themselves are able to move on from painful experiences with their heads held high. Because they don’t see a failed relationship as a sign that they aren’t good enough or that they don’t deserve to be loved.
They know that getting their ex-partner back is not going to solve anything until they overcome their insecurities, gain self-esteem, and take responsibility for their healing.