I can clearly remember the day that I was diagnosed with both anxiety and depression. Everything about me, about my behavior, and about my life, all began to make sense. Still, I couldn’t quite come to terms to it. The depressed part of my mind told me that I was a failure. Likewise, the anxious piece of me told me that I was doomed to spiral out of control.
You see, these two disorders are so completely different from one another. When they come together, it creates unbearable friction that’s almost impossible to solve. The brutal reality of it is that having both anxiety and depression completely tears you up inside.
I’m at War
There is never any rest in my life. No matter the date or time of day, there is always a battle going on inside my mind. It’s as if there’s a civil war raging inside of me that I’m powerless to do anything about.
As a result of my mental state, I am both hot and cold. I’m both black and white, night and day, dead and alive. Everything inside my head conflicts with itself and fights to be the winner. In the end, they both win and only I am the loser.
This is truly what hell feels like.
I Feel Completely Incapable
Living with both of these illnesses makes life feel impossible. Simple, everyday things that most people take for granted are beyond me. I wake up exhausted every morning, but I’m terrified of what will happen if I stay for just 5 more minutes of sleep. I don’t have the energy to eat, to shower, or to brush my hair but I still worry about not doing those things.
I’m scared. I’m tired. Most of all, I don’t know how I can keep living like this.
Yet, on the outside, I’m still smiling. No matter how awful and isolated I a may feel, I don’t want anyone to see what’s going on. I don’t want people to see me as weak. Most of all, I don’t want people to view me as being as useless as I feel that I am.
I Feel So Alone
Anxiety tells me that everyone hates me. Depression convinces me that I’m a burden to everyone. After listening to them for so long, I feel like there’s nothing that I can do besides agree with them. So, I’ve forced myself into a cage of isolation – desperate to get out and desperate to stay.
I would love to agree to the invitations that my friends send me, but I can’t. One side of me is too scared to be with others and the other side just can’t allow me to drag myself outside. Worse still, I can’t even reach out to people because of my fears and feelings of worthlessness.
Despite how I may feel, I suppose I’m not truly alone. It’s never just me here. On the contrary, I have both depression and anxiety as demons sitting on either shoulder at all times. Even if I wanted to, there’s nothing I could do to rid myself of them.
The life that I lead now is not really a life at all. Because of my illnesses, I feel like a shell of a person who’s completely destroyed on the inside. My anxiety and depression are waging a war inside of me that I simply can’t win. It feels hopeless, it feels terrifying, and it feels like a monster that I cannot ever be rid of.
Someone in your life could be dealing with both anxiety and depression and you would never know. Share this article with your friends and family to let anyone out there who needs it know that they are not alone in their struggle.
