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Depression Makes Me Look Like An Asshole And I Hate Myself For It


I feel like I am always tired. Regardless of how much I sleep, I always feel drained and exhausted. I don’t want to leave my bed or my home for that matter. I just want to stay in bed, with the covers pulled up to my chain and stay like that.

And when people I love and care about reach out to me, I ignore them. Or I reply to their texts with a one-word sentence. And of course, I turn them down every time they ask me out because I cannot manage to get out of my comfort zone.

It is not that I refuse to see them. It is not that I don’t want to hang out with them. I do. It’s just that I don’t want to bore them with my presence. I don’t want them to feel sorry for me. Because I know that when they ask me out they expect to see someone happy and cheerful, not someone who is depressed and anxious.

Honestly, I am afraid to allow them to see me because I am never sure which side of my personality will come out. Will I get irritated and angry over petty things? Will I start crying just because? Will I start whining over every single aspect of my life? Or will I be able to be okay and fake smiles?

I don’t know and I don’t want to find out because I don’t want the people who I love the most to see me struggling. I don’t want them to feel sorry for me and worry about me.

Every time I am around my friends, I feel awful. I feel like I am letting them down because I am quiet. Because I can’t laugh at their jokes. Because instead of being a good company, I am looking for an excuse to leave home early.

The thing is, I don’t want them to think that I am bored in their company, or that when I am with them I don’t have a good time.

I love to be able to open up to them and reveal all my hidden feelings and disturbing thoughts. But anytime I am on the verge of opening up my heart and soul, I back down. I back down because I can’t seem to find the right words to explain my situation.

How can you explain to someone that even though you don’t have anything to be sad about you are sad about everything?

That’s why I remain silent. And I am aware that this behavior of mine is driving them apart from me because they feel like I don’t trust them since I don’t share anything with them.

I understand all. I know that depression makes me look like an asshole in the eyes of my friends. It makes me look like I don’t care.

But in reality, inside I feel like I am doing them a favor. Like I am saving them from the trouble of having to be around a sad and pathetic person like me. And I do it because I love them.

Therefore, my friends, if I accidentally hurt you with my actions or words, please forgive me and know that I never meant to do that. I don’t want to be rude or an asshole. I am just trying to make it until tomorrow.

Mary Wright