After a breakup, there are people who want to win the breakup by finding a new person quickly to fill the void that the ex-partner left.
Yes, I agree that relationships aren’t a game and after breaking up with someone instead of trying to find happiness in another person, you should focus on yourself and find a way to heal yourself while moving on with your life genuinely and gracefully.
Of course, no one wants to go through Facebook pictures of their ex with their new relationship while you are still alone and getting over it.
We all want to feel wanted and desired, especially after a painful breakup. However, the trouble comes when we start measuring our happiness by whether we have a new romantic partner.
Moving on has nothing to do with finding a new person. It is now about getting back on the dating game. And it is not about going into a new relationship, falling in love, and plan your happily ever after. No. It doesn’t work like that.
Moving on is taking back your life. It is investing in yourself and your life. It is following your dreams. Taking care of yourself. It is growing and learning. It is making peace with your past and finding love and peace within yourself.
As for me, after breaking a long-term relationship, followed by a career change, an apartment move, traveling, and a lot of reflection on myself and my life, I realized that during that process, I had forgotten all about him. And I managed to get over him without falling in love with someone else because during my grieving period, I stayed single. I haven’t even gone on dates.
So, for me, moving on had nothing to do with committing to a new person. For me, moving on meant welcoming a new phase of my life when I was in commitment to myself.
Of course, moving on is not the same for all people. Some people move on only by finding someone new. Others build a bustling career and are happy living their independent lives.
No two people are the same, and so, the healing process of moving on is different for everybody.
After all, moving on is simply being happy again without your ex. And never wanting to go back.
Life is a series of ups and downs. And when you’ve been down for so long and you are slowly falling into the dark abyss of despair, sadness, and hopelessness, please remember this:
1. Remember that your cracks will allow light to come in.
If your heart doesn’t break from time to time, then there wouldn’t be a place for the light to enter your life. Sometimes, all it takes is a painful, heart-crushing experience to remind up that we are alive. You must get broken first to be able to see and appreciate all the goodness in the world and transform yourself into a better and stronger human being. It’s not easy, and it wasn’t supposed to be easy. But you will make it and then a new door of opportunities will open for you.
2. Remember to embrace your feelings instead of fighting them.
Instead of fighting your bad emotions, try embracing them. They are what make you human. Crying, screaming, falling down to your knees in despair are all strong emotions and it is better to let them out instead of bottling them because eventually, someday they will backfire on you. Feel everything. Feel your emotions. Don’t run from them. Emotions are a vital part of the healing process and life in general.
3. Remember your “WHY”.
Whenever you feel insufficient, broken, let down, exhausted… keep remembering yourself and your purpose in life. Remind yourself about your goals and dreams. Always keep your “why” in mind and remember, every negative situation will only provide you with new perspectives and opportunities. Negative experiences are also valuable experiences, sometimes more valuable than positive ones if you are willing to learn from them.
4. Remember that your friends and family are there for you.
When you feel down and broken inside, please remember that you can always count on your family and friends for support. They will comfort you when you need them and help you find your strength again.
5. Remember that you are not your feelings.
Remember that you don’t own your feelings and your feelings don’t own you. They don’t define you. They are only temporary, and they will pass. Happiness, sadness, excitement, pain… it all passes eventually. You are so much more than your feelings, remember that.
6. Remember the things that exist beyond your brokenness.
Just because you are in pain, it doesn’t mean that all the good things in the world ceased to exist. Remember that no matter how much darkness you are experiencing now, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Many beautiful and good things are waiting for you around the corner. Just be patient.
7. Remember the things that make you happy and focus on them.
Often, when you feel broken inside, you focus your attention only on the things that bring you pain and despair and you forget to remember all the things that make you happy. You forget the beauty of going for a walk, chatting with your friends, enjoying your cup of coffee, riding your bike, reading a book… anything that makes your soul sing with joy. Try to heal your heart by enjoying the littlest things in life.
8. Remember that pain is temporary.
Everything passes. Everything is temporary. Pain as well. Therefore, don’t take it too seriously. Try to see your pain as heroic. See it as something that has taught you many life lessons and shaped you in the person you are today.
Have you ever loved someone and you didn’t know what you should do about it?
Perhaps it was a friend, someone with whom you were romantically involved, or someone completely new in your life and you didn’t know how to express your love to them.
Yes, we all struggle with showing our emotions and be vulnerable. We all fear loving someone and expressing our love to them and realizing that that love is not being reciprocated. It is a fear we all have, the fear of rejection.
I think, first of all, we should all ask ourselves whether we really love the person we have in mind. If we do, then we should give it a chance and say how we feel.
Life’s too short. And regret is worse than rejection. After 10 or 20 years you will regret the chances you didn’t take and the words you didn’t say to people who mattered to you.
Therefore, if someone holds a special place in your heart, make sure they know. If you are afraid of losing someone, that means something. Follow your intuition and your heart, always.
Fight for what you love. It’s the only war worth fighting for. And you deserve to be happy.
I am a strong person but I still need love. I need to have someone who will be there for me. Someone who will take my hand and tell me that everything is going to be okay. Someone who will take away all my fears and worries.
I am a strong and independent person, but sometimes I need a loyal person who will hug me and show me the meaning of true love. Someone who will feel like home to me.
We, human beings, are not made of stone. We have feelings and oftentimes our feelings get hurt. We all have experienced incredible sadness and we still crumble down and drown in sorrow. But, it’s during those times that we learn how to embrace our emotions.
Be angry. Be sad. Cry. Let your emotions out. They are there to remind you how you shouldn’t be feeling. Your emotions are there to humble you and break your heart so that it can open for new experiences and better things.
I also went through an emotional rollercoaster. The person who I thought loved me broke my heart. I was devastated. I never thought I could move on with my life. I realized that they never cared about me and what they could get from me. I was only a temporary convenience and they never planned on loving me the way I deserve to be loved.
And I think that this realization was what hurt me the most – when I found that I was not what they wanted. And that is okay. Now, I understand that I can’t be good and wanted by everyone I love. I can’t force someone into loving me. I can only control myself and my feelings.
During moments of deep pain and sadness, it is essential to do small things that make you happy. Go out with your friends. Buy yourself something. Book tickets for your next trip. Anything that will make you happy. Moreover, surround yourself with positive people who will make you forget all the pain that is in your heart. People who will make you smile again and show you that life is beautiful. Hold on to those people.
And never, never feel guilty for taking the time you need to heal and make yourself feel okay again. Everyone has a different pace in life and everyone’s healing is different. The only thing that you should remember is to be patient and know that good things come to those who wait.
We were not right for each other. I know it. But, I still want you to know that you hold a special place in my heart. I want to thank you for all we shared and all the memories. I want to thank you for falling in love with me and being there to catch me when I fell in love with you. I want to thank you for all the laughs we shared. I want to thank you for loving me for who I am and your understanding and support you were giving me every single day. Especially, thank you for always being there for me.
Even though we were very happy together, and even though at some point we were right for each other, our love had an expiration date. And somehow, we both knew we were never going to last.
When we finished our story, I couldn’t help but wonder about all the maybes and what-ifs in our connection. I couldn’t stop my heart from feeling pain. And I also couldn’t understand how two people who were perfect together can’t have their happily ever after. I knew all along that you are not the one I am supposed to spend my life with even though I wanted with every fiber of my being.
I didn’t know then, but I know now that sometimes love is not enough. When it is the real thing, you not only fall in love with the other person, but you also fall in love with yourself. When you are with your destined person, you fall head over heels in love with the person you are with them.
Because, we can love someone, and it can still not be right. We can care about someone so much, and yet they might not be the one. Our relationship might still not be long-lasting. And that’s okay. Because maybe all these relationships and love stories are our steppingstones towards falling more and more in love with ourselves. Maybe they lead us to the right thing where we can find our true happiness.
As for me, I refused to let go of someone who was making me happy and fulfilled because I forgot that I can and I am completely fine on my own. That I can be happy on my own. Because with you, I forgot how to love myself. I didn’t live my truth. I lost my authenticity. That’s why we were not meant to be. And sometimes, we have to let someone go, so as something better can come.
But even though we didn’t last long, I will forever carry you in my heart. Because you have changed my life. You have shaped me in the person I am today and for that, I am forever grateful.
Now I know that true love is finding someone who will let you fall in love with yourself first.
The “right” one… Many of us are still looking to find that person with whom we will spend our life. The one who will be our friend, lover, confidant, our biggest supporter, the one who always motivates us, is kind to us, and loves us with all their heart. The one whose soul is as our soul.
But, what if “the one” never comes? What if you were able to look at your future and see that you won’t find true love ever? What then? What would you do differently in your life? What choices you would make?
Yes, I know that if you are like me, probably that information won’t change anything crucial because your life is not influenced by someone’s presence or absence thereof. The mere idea that I will meet my soulmate and then everything will fall into place didn’t stop me from loving myself and focusing on living my best life. Because I realized that I am already a whole person and I deserve to create the life I want to be living regardless of whether I am with someone or not.
I pay my own bills, I love my job, I have many hobbies and friends, I travel a lot, and I spend my free time learning new things and growing as a person. I put more effort into appreciating the relationships I already have in my life, the ones with my friends and family and I enjoy spending time with them.
I was raised to believe that my goal in life should be finding love, getting married, and having children. But, having broken free from that belief was the ultimate liberation for me. When I stopped being scared of ending up alone, many windows of opportunities opened up for me. I mean, I could live anywhere I want in the world, get the degree I always wanted to have, travel to the places I always wanted to visit and not worry whether my decisions will affect someone else’s life. Because sometimes, love, as wonderful as it is, can hold us back from doing the things we want.
When we stop looking to find the love of our lives, we have all the time in the world to focus on ourselves and become our own loves. We can pamper ourselves, challenge ourselves, and build ourselves up to the best version of ourselves. We can become our own soulmates.
Stop waiting and searching for “the one.” If it’s meant to find them, it will happen. Until then, focus on yourself and live your life freely, confidently, as you are the love of it. Instead of waiting for “the one” – be “the one” for yourself!
Going on a first date can be a nerve-wracking experience, especially if you’re not sure what the first words out of your mouth are going to be. Unfortunately, the longer you think about what you’re going to do next, the more awkward the situation can become. On the other hand, not saying much at all isn’t a good move, either.
Sometimes, it isn’t what you say or do, it’s how you approach the date in terms of appearance and demeanor that matter the most when it comes to positioning yourself to break the ice. If you can set the tone and create a positive initial impression through visual and social cues, then you don’t have to come up with the coolest or funniest things in the world to say, as you can lean on the preconceived image that you’re already projecting. With that said, here are five effective tips you can use to break the ice more easily on any first date:
1. Wear the Right Footwear and Clothing
While you might be hoping to find someone who “loves you for you” and doesn’t care how you dress, the real world usually doesn’t work like that on a first date. In fact, numerous dating and social surveys have revealed that people base their initial opinions and perceptions of others primarily on their outer appearance, which is mostly influenced by the shoes and clothing you’re wearing and how well-groomed you are. Of course, you’ll probably get a warmer welcome if you’re wearing a brand new pair of Givenchy sneakers than if you were to show up sporting decrepit ice fishing boots from your storage shed – after all, we’re not literally trying to break ice (frozen H2O). Why not check out SSENSE and see what designer pieces catch your eye?
2. Use Fragrances in Your Favor
Science has proven that pheromones and other natural scents are cues that the body uses to attract mates. While you don’t want to go back to the caveman times and utilize your body’s natural stench, you can still leverage the same concept by choosing an appealing cologne or perfume. There have also been social experiments done where people who had neutral or offensive odors were treated worse than people who had an attractive scent. However, be careful not to overdo this tip, as excessive fragrances could nauseate or annoy your date.
3. Don’t Talk Too Much
Your goal is to break the ice a bit, not completely melt it into a boiling lake of awkwardness. Don’t put yourself in the hot seat on purpose with long drawn out lectures. Try to think of breaking the ice like ice fishing: you put a line out there and wait a bit to see how the fish respond – you don’t just keep throwing lines out all willy-nilly. To bring the analogy even further, one properly placed line is all it really takes to put your catch on the hook. In more basic terms, the more you talk, the more likely it is that you’ll say accidentally something stupid or offensive, so try to keep your opening lines and responses short and sweet.
4. Choose the Right Setting
No, we’re not talking about your smartphone settings here. Instead, we’re talking about the environment in which the first date takes place. Naturally, it’s harder to break the ice in some places than it is in others. To build upon the previous analogy, you don’t want your date to take place in a frigid area where breaking the ice will feel like chipping away at Antarctica with an ice pick. Instead, you want to choose a warm and welcoming temperate zone that will ignite a heat wave which softens the ice just enough for you to gently break through it. In general, “warm” places are secluded, serene, peaceful, or entertaining, whereas “cold” places are crowded, hectic, noisy, or boring.
5. Be the First to Open Up or Ask a Question
You don’t want a horde of crickets standing in your way when you’re trying to break open the ice with a shovel. In case you’re socially clueless, “crickets” is the term used to describe that horrible void of silence that happens when neither person can think of something to say or muster up the courage to say it. Thus, the first step to breaking the ice properly should always be to clear the crickets out of the way. Of course, in the real word, you’d probably never encounter a horde of crickets swarming atop an ice sheet, but hey, you get the point – somebody’s got to be the big enough person to open up or start the discourse. You should never feel hesitant during this step because, in all actuality, your date expects you to say something, so don’t let them down.
Be Ready to Answer Questions, But Not Over-Eager
Eventually, after a few dates you can cut loose and not really give too much thought to how you’re answering questions, but for the first date it’s always best to look at it like a job interview – try to sound good without disqualifying yourself. When it comes to answering questions, sometimes less is more. You don’t want to be that person who tells their entire life story when someone asks them what kind of restaurant they want to eat at.
I loved you. I loved you with passion and ferocity. I loved you with such a depth that I got myself to a point when I couldn’t imagine my life without you. It’s like I was not only in love with you, I was infatuated by you. I was obsessed and in love with every part of your body, your smile, your eyes, your touch… everything.
And I was not only in love with you, but I was also in love with the way you were making me feel. I didn’t only love your hands and your touch, but I also loved the way my skin warmed and melted under them. It wasn’t just your laugh, but the goosebumps I got every time I saw your smile.
And sometimes I even think that I didn’t even really love you but I loved the idea of you and how you made me feel. Yes, love can be selfish like that. We love for us, never for the other person.
That’s why when you left, I felt as if the most valuable part of me was being ripped off.
And your leaving was not silent. You slammed the door on your way out. I felt like a failure and I thought that I was destined to live a lonely life full of sorrow and emptiness because I was attached to all the wonderful things that you represented to me. And when you left, it’s like you took away all the beauty with you and suddenly my life has become a barren desert.
But now I understand. I wasn’t in love with you, I was in love with the idea of you. Yes, you hurt me when you took away the fantasy, but I will be okay.
There is still love in my heart that is waiting to be shared with someone who will be right for me.
I watched you how easily you made promises and I watched you break them all with the same easiness. I watched you tell lies and expecting me to believe them. I watched you burn all the bridges that I’ve built for our relationship to turn into something real. I also watched you turn into the coldest person I know while I was there, giving you all the love and warmth that I had for you.
And I stayed. I stayed through all the bullshit. I always found strength in my heart to forgive you because I was terrified of letting you go.
I believed in ‘us’ so much that I forgot about myself. I held onto you for so long, wishing and hoping that things will change. I trusted you with all my heart because I believed that you loved me too and that this rough phase will soon pass, and we will be happy together.
But, you only made me watch you break promises. You only made me believe that love is just a temporary feeling and it passes away. You forced me to see that staying with a person who makes you wonder where you stand with them is a complete waste of time.
And now, this is me – finally giving up on you and choosing myself.
This is me giving up on you because I realized that I have no future with you and that I deserve to have someone who will happily plan a future with me. I am walking away from you because I am finally done walking on eggshells trying to make you happy while you were taking me for granted and treated me as if I were disposable.
I am finally done dealing with your selfishness and emotional immaturity. I am not giving you another chance this time.
This time, I will focus on loving myself and giving love only to those people who love me back and put an effort and energy into our relationship.
This is me, telling you that you are no longer the love of my life. This is me, telling you that you are not allowed back into my life because I won’t let you ruin my happiness again and mess with my life.
This is me, saying my final goodbye and this time I don’t look forward to seeing you. Our paths will cross here, and I will never look back.
And I know that this is the best decision I’ve ever made.
You should never ever ignore the woman you love because that’s how you’ll lose her. When it comes to matters of love, the thing we women hate the most is being ignored by the person we care about.
And it doesn’t matter how long we’ve been in the relationship. We always, always want you to put effort and show us your love.
I, personally, cannot tell you how many times I’ve seen couples in public ignoring each other. That’s not okay. When you are with your partner, they should be the focus of your attention – not your phone! Now, if there is an emergency I understand. But, scrolling through social media just because when your love is sitting across from you is utter nonsense.
Maybe at first, she will call you out and tell you that it bothers her when you don’t pay any attention to her. And if you don’t listen to her, you will lose her. Why? Because at some point she will stop “begging” for your undivided attention, and she will put her attention on herself. She will realize that she deserves more because she is a worthy and wonderful woman inside and out.
Because when you ignore your woman, you are doing her a favor to experience a life without you and realize that she doesn’t need you. If you don’t return her calls and texts, you are teaching her to not text you as often, and when you accomplish that, you will lose her because she will never again want to waste her time on you.
The more you ignore your woman, the more she accustoms to a life without you. And before you realize what is happening, she is gone.
You may live in the fantasy that it is okay to leave your lady on the back burner because where would she go? You falsely assume that she will always be there for you just because she loves you. Well, I am sorry to destroy your fantasy, but a quality woman knows when enough is enough. She knows her worth and she will not allow you to disrespect her like that and take her for granted.
Because when you ignore her, she is learning that you don’t respect her. That you don’t she is worthy of being taken out to dinner and you talking to her during the evening. And even if you don’t mean those things, she believes them to be true.
No woman should ever feel ignored and unwanted by her significant other.
This woman was with you through everything. That’s why no matter what you have going on in your life, put your phone down and talk to her. Spend time with her. Take her out. Love her. Appreciate her before it’s too late.
Don’t teach her how to live her life without you.
Women who don’t love themselves have trouble trusting someone because they cannot see why anyone would want to be with them and what they see in them.
When they discover that someone has a crush on them, they immediately think that they have hidden motives. They think they are leading them on, that they are playing them. They think the person who is interested in them is lying to them only to hook up with them and then leave.
They question everyone’s good intentions because it is so difficult for them to open up and trust that someone will love them because they don’t even love themselves.
Even when they are in a serious relationship, they are not calm. They easily get anxious when their partner goes out with friends and comes home late or forgets to return their call. They also feel insecure and not good enough almost every time a good-looking woman passes by. They worry because they think their partner will leave them for someone better.
And it does not matter how good the person is and how much they promise they are never going to hurt them – these women are still going to look out for red flags and signs of lying and betrayal. They can literally be their own worst enemy.
Women who don’t love themselves don’t trust other people as well because they cannot see the beauty and the goodness that lies within them. They only see their flaws and mistakes. They think they are unlovable and therefore when someone shows they love them; they are not sure what to do. Their first instinct is to escape because they think they are going to end up hurt and betrayed.
That’s why it can take some time before they start opening their heart and trusting again. They must first learn how to love themselves and accept them as they are. They must learn their value and trust that they deserve love and good things. And they deserve someone who will be patient with them and will stay with them on their path towards self-love.
Very often, people falsely thing that strong women don’t want to fall in love and get married to the man of their life. And while it’s true that the majority of these ladies are very independent and happy on their own, that doesn’t mean they are not looking for love.
I think of myself as a strong woman, independent and in touch with her feelings. I have been in a few relationships that were emotionally fulfilling but they all ended suddenly and abruptly, and it was after I decided to get back in touch with myself after a period of losing myself in the relationship.
I don’t know why I get stuck in these patterns, but I believe it all happens because deep down I am conflicted. One part of me wants to find love, while the other part of me doesn’t want to compromise my beliefs, values, and freedom.
Of course, I can’t say that this is true for other strong and independent ladies out there, but my experiences have been depressing. Whenever I meet someone I like, I get overly excited and enthusiastic about the relationship, especially if he gained my respect for his ambition, humility, and his caring but bold nature.
But I always tend to think they are better than they are and that’s my fatal mistake. I always imagine people to be better than they are, and I get disappointed when I see their true colors.
Yes, I understand that we are all imperfect human beings and we should not look for perfection because no one can be, but if someone is not ready to meet me halfway and be an equal partner to me, then why are they pretending to be?
I know that committing to someone and falling in love can be scary, but it is more terrifying for us, strong women, who have their lives together to waste their time and energy on someone who is not ready to be serious.
We are grown-ass women! We are past the point of casual dating. We are looking for the real thing.
I, myself, don’t have the time to get in a relationship with someone who is not ready to live up to his potential and doesn’t want the same things as I do. I want the real deal. I want someone as strong and ambitious as me. I want someone who won’t be scared of their feelings for me. I want someone who will match my intensity and respect my goals. I want someone who will stand beside me and match me on all levels.
Because, what I am fearing is not that I’ll end up alone, but that I’ll end up with the wrong person.
Stop chasing him and giving him power. If you are not happy and satisfied with the minimal amount of affection he is giving you, then walk away from him. Don’t let him get away with it and think it is okay to not put an effort and hurt your feelings.
Don’t do it. Don’t let him do as he pleases. Don’t let him get away with things like that. Because, if you are sticking with him you are telling him that it is okay to mistreat you.
Stop chasing him because that makes him lazy. When you chase him, he wouldn’t bother anymore to send you messages and plan dates with you. He won’t chase you back because you will do all the heavy lifting for him. Stop doing it. Stop making it so easy for him.
And the more you continue chasing him, the more you’ll resent him. You might think now that you are happy just by having him in your life, but this phase will come to an end and you’ll hate him for every ignored text or call. You’ll resent him for every date he cancels and for having the nerve to screw you over and over, especially after everything you’ve done for him.
One day you will get tired of everything. You will become exhausted to be the only one fighting for the relationship. One day, you will realize that it is not fair and that by staying in the unhealthy relationship for that long you have broken your own heart when you should have left.
Because chasing him will do just that – it will break your heart. Your self-esteem will go lower and lower. You’ll wonder constantly why you are the only one putting effort and doing everything while he can’t even remember your birthday.
By chasing him, you are subtly telling him that he can reject or ghost you and come back as if nothing happened. He can ignore you for a month and then call you and everything will be fine because he knows you will forgive him and take him back with open arms.
He knows he has you right where he wants you. He knows you are not going anywhere while you are constantly worrying whether he will leave you for someone else.
Stop doing it! Stop torturing yourself and calling it love.
Don’t be the only one who tries. Leave this toxic relationship behind and find someone who will love you and put an effort into the relationship as much as you do. Because real and healthy love is all about mutual trust, respect, compromise, and willingness to work together as a team.
Don’t say you are sorry for treating me badly and then going back to treating me the same way. Your apology doesn’t count if your behavior towards me remains unchanged. It’s empty and meaningless. And it is not a reflection on your maturity, because real maturity comes from recognizing your flaws and correcting them.
I will never feel guilty for walking away from you because you have hurt me. Yes, you apologized and said you regret doing so. But you did it again. And again. And again. You kept hurting me and that is something I won’t allow anymore. Everyone has permission to walk away from someone who continues hurting them.
If someone has my best intentions at heart and really loves me, then they will correct their toxic behavior because they wouldn’t want to see me in pain.
Of course, they won’t be perfect and flawless, but they are going to be willing to work on the things that are harming our relationship. Because there is a great difference between a toxic partner who is unwilling to change and someone who has good intentions and they love you but sometimes make minor unintentional mistakes.
Because there are people who were apologizing to me just because they knew that that’s what I wanted to hear, and they thought it was the easiest way out. Yes, their apology might have been sincere, but it turned out that they only treated me better for a short period of time and they ended up going back to their old ways.
This is a common tactic of emotional manipulators. They act like they are sorry for how they treated you because they want to lure you in their life again. Therefore, they sweet-talk you and give you an illusion that they are changed until you put down your guard and then they go back to being a**holes.
So, be careful when you accept apologies. Only give people second chances if you really believe that they are capable of working on themselves and bettering themselves. Don’t lower your standards and forget about your needs just so that you can have an excuse for keeping someone in your life. Don’t hurt yourself like that.
And remember, apologies don’t mean anything – actions do!
Therefore, don’t feel bad about walking away from someone who is not deserving of your time, love, and energy.