I believe that one of the most essentials reasons of our existence on this planet is to feel. The most disgusting, most alluring, most despairing, most beautiful, most regretful, most sorrowful, most majestic of feelings.
The whole spectrum of emotions. But the most sublime of all must be the sensation of love. To love and be loved.
However, with life being a not-so-fortunate chain of events, the reality of some people doesn’t always resemble our favorite, Disney, happily-ever-after, fairytale stories.
I keep listening to my friends and women my age: “Why do I always stumble upon emotionally unavailable pricks?”; “How can I always make the mistake of choosing insensitive men who want to control me?”; “Am I a magnet for jerks who cheat?”; What’s wrong with me?”.
And, unfortunately, that’s where the statement “All men are the same” comes from. Really sad and unfair, if you ask me.
We should all look in the mirror before we start to point some fingers and search for those answers within ourselves, no matter how unsettling they might be.
Here are some of the most common reasons why we keep finding ourselves in the arms of a wrong person.
1. FEAR
I believe that at some point in our lives, all of us had made the mistake of stepping inside a toxic unity only because of the sheer fear of ending up alone. As humans, we sometimes tend to allow fear to prevail in our decision-making processes. I know the feeling. We all do.
You feel like you’re the only black sheep among your friends who haven’t settled in, your relatives keep pressuring you with marriage talks. And as if that isn’t enough, society is constantly trying to label single people as ‘old maids who end up living with 40 cats’.
You get backed against the wall and eventually, out of fear you decide to settle with the first person that comes along. You overlook his flaws and choose to ignore the things that bother you.
Research has shown that many women today are willing to stay in an unhappy and unfulfilling relationship because they are simply afraid of the prospect of being alone.
When the thing they should fear the most is spending the rest of their lives miserable with a wrong man.
2. FAMILIARITY
We are sometimes unconsciously drawn to the same dysfunctional nature because it reminds us of something we already experienced. It strikes us with a certain familiarity, something painful we went through in our childhood.
The truth is, we’ve all survived some childhood trauma and ended up with certain mental and emotional wounds.
But, when those wounds become deep and painful enough, but not properly addressed, they develop a pathology. And you know how it goes.
Pathology seeks pathology. We search for people with similar, painful stories, individuals who were hurt the same way we were, someone who could continuously nurture and support our pathology.
A person who could understand our deepest sorrows. We desperately seek for someone who could heal our injuries.
Sadly, when we meet a person who’s even more damaged in their own way, the healing process rarely occurs, because their insufferable trauma and individual experiences make them limited. And the vicious cycle goes on forever.
3. LOW SELF-ESTEEM
This issue is something that will always interfere with the possibility of having a genuine and reciprocal relationship based on compassion and true love.
When we’re way down buried in a pile of low self-esteem, we fail to observe every red flag that might indicate a relationship is not serving us well. And it’s making our lives miserable.
It is important to acknowledge that it’s a certain state which requires a lot of hard work and patience in order to be resolved.
Because no relationship, whether good or bad will compensate for the personal belief that you don’t deserve to be happy. Only you can help yourself.
It will take a long, and hard personal work. It will require facing your scariest demons, your deepest fears, reaching your darkest places. And it will hurt. But in order to find happiness, you need to address yourself.
Once you finally dig out the answer to why you chose to date the way you did, you can change your harmful patterns and start all over again.
SOURCE:
HTTP://INDIVIDUAL.UTORONTO.CA/SSPIELMANN/SPIELMANN_ET_AL_INPRESS_JPSP.PDF
Image: canburak
