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What It Feels Like To Be Depressed And Happy At The Same Time


Living with depression while being an optimistic and happy person is an unusual and weird combination. Usually, when someone says they are battling depression, most people will immediately assume that they are pathetic and gloomy. That they are inherently sad, so they are unable to smile or enjoy themselves and just be happy.

Depression is a condition which can be all-consuming. It can make you an irrational person. It will dictate your mood and mess with your life. It can and will make you feel like you are completely alone in the world and nobody loves you.

But, despite all this, it is possible to be a happy and optimistic person struggling with depression. I am one of them.

I am a sad person at my core, and I cannot help myself no matter what I do. The sadness has become an integral part of me. No matter how happy and fulfilled I may feel, there is an everlasting sadness inside of me, deep-seated in the back of my mind.   

And I accepted the fact that I would never be fully happy again as I was when I was young. Because I’ve seen the hurt, I’ve experienced pain, and I know that loving too much and caring for someone too much comes with a high price. I am extremely sensitive, and I experience an abnormal amount of different emotions that it can be very overwhelming for me at times.

However, even though I am naturally depressed and sad person, I am still an optimistic person that gets happy and excited often. I can even say that I am in a good mood for most of the time. Even if I am not in a good mood, I always try my best to look happy and cheerful because I don’t want others to see my sadness.

I don’t want anyone to see my dark side. Because, as someone who lives with depression, I am not comfortable seeing that someone is hurt and not being able to do anything about it. It pains me to see someone experiencing depression because I know what is happening inside of them.

It is a horrible and frustrating feeling of being broken and defeated at the same time.

Depression is a war that happens within your mind, a war that you feel like you are always losing.

But, I choose not to let it control me. I choose not to let it get the best of me. I choose not to let it hurt people around me. Because I am a cheerful person who loves to laugh. I am passionate and optimistic about life and I won’t let my depression to get that away from me.

Others, of course, don’t see my depression. They don’t see my dark thoughts. Because, how can someone who looks so cheerful ever have suicidal thoughts? Well, just because someone may not be able to see that gloominess and sadness from the outside, it doesn’t matter that it doesn’t exist.

It is usually those who feel the saddest can experience the most elated and joyful feelings of happiness. Because they can appreciate more every good moment and enjoy it with all their might. They can also sympathize more with others who are experiencing pain.

And remember, if someone’s wounds don’t show on the outside, it doesn’t mean that they don’t have internal wounds. I, myself, have many.

I am happy, I am positive, I am smiling, I am joyful. And I am depressed as well. But I learned how to live with it. I accepted the fact that the world can be both a wonderful and a dark place for some people and that’s okay.

Image: David Olkarny

Mary Wright


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