There are still people out there who value relationships. These people are empathetic, compassionate, caring, giving, loving, and willing to work for the relationships they have with people in their life. The problem with these amazing souls is not that they are extremely caring and giving, but that they continue to give and give and give to people who don’t deserve it. And they do it to their own detriment.
They fail to take their feelings into consideration and take care of themselves for a change, instead of worrying and giving their ‘all’ to people who only take without giving anything in return. These caregivers don’t realize that taking care of others while not paying attention to their own feelings, is unnecessary, exhausting, and frustrating.
Therefore, these individuals often find themselves stuck in toxic, unbalanced relationships, whether a romantic relationship, friendships, work relationship, or with the members of their family. Why is this happening?
Because ‘givers’ hold their relationship in a high value and they always tend to see the good in other people. That’s why they overlook all the ‘red flags’ and flaws of others because they are interested only in building a genuine connection.
Therefore, they invest in people. They invest their time, energy, and their love to others, and while this is an amazing and exceptional thing to do for someone, there are people who are self-absorbed narcissists who don’t deserve this treatment. Actually, this treatment will only help the narcissist manipulate and take advantage of these amazing souls.
Moreover, they believe that if they are there for “the narcissist,” if they are patient and caring enough, then they can change the narcissist’s evil ways. And the sad thing is, the narcissist is neither aware they have a problem nor are they willing to change their behavior.
That’s why it is important for these ‘tireless caregivers’ to take a step back and accept that they cannot “heal” others no matter how loving and nurturing they are. They must say “NO’ to abusive and toxic people without feeling guilty. Saying ‘no’ is not selfish, especially when someone’s emotional and mental wellbeing is at stake.
Furthermore, these qualities of the caregivers are what makes them magnets for attracting toxic people and narcissists. Why?
Because being with a person who constantly needs attention and validation gives the caregiver the sense that they are needed and that they play an important role in bettering the life of the narcissist.
On the other hand, the self-absorbed narcissists are very good at shifting blame and making everyone feel guilty for not behaving the way they want them to. Caregivers, unfortunately, are prone to feeling guilty and therefore, they end up doing what the narcissist wants.
Finally, the ‘tireless caregivers’ need to have a more loving approach to themselves in order to escape the narcissist’s trap. They should ask themselves this question, “What’d the most caring, loving, and healthy version of myself desire for me?”
Practicing mindfulness is another way to go. It can help them feel those uncomfortable feelings and painful emotions and understand why they are experiencing them. It is a great approach for them to start changing their old ways and patterns.
And last but not least, seeking professional help could be the best thing they should do. Because, it takes a lot of time and effort to change old beliefs and habits, and that’s why working with a professional can be what they need.
References:
Carter, G. L., Campbell, A. C., & Muncer, S.(2014a). The Dark Triad personality: Attractiveness to women. Personality and Individual Differences, 56, 57–61
Dufner, M., Rauthmann, J. F., Czarna, A. Z., & Denissen, J. J. A. (2013). Are narcissists sexy? Zeroing in on the effect of narcissism on short‐term mate appeal. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 39, 870–882.
Jauk, E., Neubauer, A. C., Mairunteregger, T., Pemp, S., Sieber, K. P., and Rauthmann, J. F. (2016) How Alluring Are Dark Personalities? The Dark Triad and Attractiveness in Speed Dating. Eur. J. Pers., 30: 125–138.
