Home Psychology The Grudge-Holder Wants To Be ‘The Victim’ Who Is Wronged Because It...

The Grudge-Holder Wants To Be ‘The Victim’ Who Is Wronged Because It Gives Them A Sense Of Identity


I have always wondered why it is that some people accept apologies easily and others can hold onto a grudge forever. And what we can do when the grudge holder goes silent, but their wrath seems to be all over us?

I think that those who hold grudges do it because it gives them a sense of identity and empowerment. They want to be ‘the victim’ who is wronged and who is ‘right’ in the situation.

That said, how you can deal with someone who holds a grudge against you? Here are 6 effective ways that can help you.

1. Apologize. Take responsibility for your actions. If you made a mistake, then be honest with them. Tell them you made a mistake and that you are sorry.

2. Ask what you can do to make the situation better. Because sometimes it takes more than just an apology. Sometimes you need to fix certain action of yours to make everything better. However, be prepared that you may not be forgiven even after doing this.

3. Realize that you are what you did is not the end of the world even if the grudge-holder would have you think that way. Of course, don’t say this to them because you will only make things worse. But bear it in your mind because it is good to be realistic about it and realize that what you did is not so terrible.

4. Understand that sometimes it’s not about you, but they probably have other issues. Maybe they were wounded and criticized in the past and this is their way of protecting themselves from pain. Or maybe your behavior reminded them of someone who has hurt them and now they are punishing you instead of them.

5. After you apologized, leave it alone. After you made your case and did everything in their power to explain and apologize to them, you are done. It’s up to them now whether they will forgive you or not.

6. If they don’t come around give up the hope that things would ever change for the better. And if this happens, then it is time to let it go and move on with your life.

Have you ever dealt with a person like this?

Mary Wright