Cheating doesn’t only mean having a sexual affair with another person. While that’s one of the most hurtful forms of cheating, the truth is that it comes in many forms and shapes. Cheating is, fundamentally, betraying one’s trust – and so is lying.
Lying disrupts the foundation on which your relationship is built. Being lied to means having your trust abused and underestimated. So, it’s very important that you spot a lie and confront your partner.
Here are 4 signs that could indicate that your partner is lying to you, and below are 4 ways you can confront them and get the truth out.
1. Watch out for a flared nose and scratching
Did you know that when people lie certain tissues in their nose expand? Dr. Ala Hirsch from The Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation has dubbed this phenomenon the “Pinocchio Effect.”
He explains that when people lie, their noses trigger a release of histamine (the allergy-causing compound) which induces itching. So, next time you want to see if your partner is lying, look at their nose and see how often they’re touching it.
2. Watch for negation clues
When we lie, our body language changes. And while you may not be a mind reader, you can easily read people’s body language. During the process of lying, our bodies start giving off unconscious negation clues – movements that are trying to negate whatever we’re saying.
These can include trying to hide your mouth with your hands, avoiding eye contact, tilting your body away from the other person’s, rubbing your neck, or looking up and to the right. So, feel free to analyze the clues and don’t look for only one clue – there will be a few.
3. Use of sacred vows
Some people like to resort to vows when they are trying to convince you that they’re telling the truth. Others resort to the same to avoid being caught in a lie. Is your partner using this kind of talk when you’re being suspicious of their actions?
Swearing on their dead father’s grave, before God and men, and similar colorful images could indicate that your partner may not be telling the truth but is rather trying to mask it with strong expressions.
4. Emotional blackmail
This is the last resort when it comes to lying when the liar notices that you’re not buying into their spiced-up stories. And unfortunately, it’s one that usually triggers the desirable outcome for the liar.
“If you love me, then you’d believe me,” “Don’t you love me?” or “Don’t you trust me?” are just some ways they will try to force the trust out of you. They will use your emotional weak spots against you and win you over. Be careful not to give in.
SO, HOW TO CONFRONT THEM WHEN YOU SPOT THE CLUES?
It’s not enough just to spot that someone’s lying to you. You need to be bold enough as to confront them and get the truth out of them, whether they like it or not. Phil Houston, a retired CIA officer and CEO of QVerity, has published a book called Get the Truth: Former CIA Officers Teach You How To Persuade Anyone To Tell All.
Here’s what Houston advises:
Let them know that you know
And not in the way where you shout out “I CAUGHT YOU! YOU’RE LYING, GIVE IT UP!” Houston advises against saying GAME OVER. Instead, he says that your job is to inform them that you don’t believe their lies.
For example, you might want to say: “I know you said that you forgot to pay the bills, but I really do not believe what you said. You can tell me if you spent the money.”
Get them to shut up ASAP
Lies are toxic – the longer they’re being said, the more your subconscious is trying to fill out the cognitive dissonance until it actually starts believing in them. That’s why it’s important that you stop them as soon as possible.
How do you do that? Begin to talk to them and try to coax them into telling you the truth. Don’t allow them to repeat the same lie over and over again, and work on getting out the truth.
Take away the risk
People usually lie out of fear of being punished for the thing they did wrong. So, why not take away the motive? Reassure them that nothing bad is going to happen if they tell the truth.
How can you do this? Why not try saying: “I’m not going to be angry if you tell me that you spent the money.” Or “You aren’t the only one to have ever spent money meant for paying the bills on something else.” Or this favorite one of mine “It doesn’t matter if you have already spent the money, I don’t care about it, I just want to know so that I can replace it.”
Finally, get the truth out of them
All of these confrontation techniques are meant to lead to this step, so you shouldn’t skip any of them. Once you’ve managed to intelligently incorporate them, your partner will be convinced into telling the truth.
All you have to do now is ask openly. You can start with a leading question such as “Did you spend the money meant for paying the bills?”
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