My need is simple – I don’t want to be someone’s second, third, or fourth choice. I want to be their first choice. I don’t want to be someone they keep on the side. I can’t do secret relationships. I will never allow myself to be someone’s option.
I am a simple girl. I want love. I radiate love and let it shine through my hopeful eyes. My love is never simple because when I love, I love passionately, with the strength of hundreds of armies and with the softness, gentleness, and warmth of a mother’s arms.
I know how pure my heart is and how much love I can give, that’s why I will never again allow myself to be someone’s second choice.
I know that sometimes I tend to doubt my worth, especially during times when reality hits me and I realize that not many people can handle my depth and my heart gets shaken to the core once again.
And all I ever wanted was for someone who would stand up and choose me.
There were people who only wanted me in pieces. They only chose the parts of me they loved and didn’t care about the others. And I hated that. I still hate being partially chosen with every fiber of my being.
I admit that sometimes I wondered whether I was lovable. I doubted myself and my truth, asking myself what’s wrong with me. Maybe I was too difficult? Too passionate? Or the fire in my eyes burned so brightly that others were terrified to come close and be caught up in flames.
However, even during those moments of complete vulnerability and self-doubt, I still knew deep down that I am enough and that I’ve been settling for less my whole life.
I wanted to be someone’s first choice so much that I desperately hung onto the idea of a future rather than seeing what’s right in front of my eyes. Those promises of a ‘future’ fucked me up. It kept me addicted. I was being lured to the high of having something I’ve never had.
But when weeks turned into months, and months turned into years, I knew that I wasn’t their first choice and I was being strung along once again.
I know that perhaps I was a whole other category than other girls. That maybe I’m not the typical type and therefore I am hard to handle. And yet, even though none of these men chose me, even fewer were able to stay away from me. They returned constantly. They were also addicted to my energy and that was the thing that annoyed me the most.
It sucks having someone with whom you share dinners, wine, and sunsets, someone who looks deeply into your eyes and you know that there is no other place he would rather be, and yet, he still doesn’t choose you.
If it had been only for sex, I would have been able to shut the door on them forever and without any regrets. But it wasn’t about sex. I know I touched a special part of their heart and they loved me in their way. All of them thought I was an extraordinary woman and marveled at my personality and strength of character.
But still, I was not their first choice.
And it hurt. It hurt more than I would like to admit. That’s why I cannot pretend any longer. I cannot keep entertaining men who only want a piece of me.
I no longer doubt myself or my self-worth. I know that there is someone out there who wishes and dreams for a woman like me. And when we finally meet, nothing will scare him away (only maybe the thought of losing me).