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It’s Over. I Am Done Pretending That I Am Strong All Of The Time

Pretending That I Am Strong

I am done. I am too exhausted and mentally drained to give a damn about what someone thinks of me.

I am tired. No, wait. Tired doesn’t even begin to describe my current state.

I feel drained. Like someone had sucked the life out of me with a vacuum cleaner.

I mean it.

I have no more strength inside of me to keep moving. I feel no inspiration to get up and do something. My body is exhausted. My soul is weary. My heart is tired and sore. I have a feeling that I cannot take it anymore.

I am sick and tired of pretending to be strong.

I cannot keep doing this. I cannot keep forcing myself to suck it all in and stand up on my feel like it’s nothing. I can’t be there for others anymore. It just doesn’t work like that. I am a human being who feels things. And right now, my emotions are overwhelming me. I feel pain, sorrow, and anger all at once. If I keep doing this “I’ve got this” dance a little longer, I will destroy myself.

I thought I had everything under control. I always thought that I am someone who can survive everything in this life. Mostly because I’ve been through many hardships in my life. And each time I got out alive. Each time I survived. I proved to myself that I am stronger than anything that happens to me.

Well, not this time. I thought I can get up on my own and continue my journey, but it turned out, I can’t. After all these years of fighting, overcoming, shifting, accepting and enduring, I reached a point where I feel like I can’t go on. I NEED REST.

I cannot stand another night of breaking down. I cannot stand another morning of dreading waking up. I cannot let everyone know I am fine when I am clearly going crazy. I cannot pretend that I don’t need your help when I really do. I cannot be stronger on the outside when deep down my soul is aching and desperately crying for help.

I am done being that person. I am hurt. I feel like crying. I sometimes have harmful thoughts. My life isn’t as amazing as it looks. My heart feels like it is going to explode if I don’t find someone who can help me. I want to cry for days. I want to isolate myself from people’s expectations. And I need to find a person who will make this easier for me. I need to find someone who will tell me that everything is going to be fine.

I am sick and tired of being strong.

But, remember this. It’s not shameful to feel this way. And it is certainly not shameful to ask for help. I AM NOT afraid to say it out loud. And neither should you.

Don’t let the world convince you that you should always be strong, no matter what. But don’t confuse that state with weakness, as well.

You can be strong and still ask for help when you feel like it. That doesn’t make you frail. It makes you a human.

Stephanie Reeds