I am a fighter. I don’t quit. I have always been a tough, fearless, determined lady who seemed to be able to do even the most unimaginable things. I’ve always strived to be an independent, self-sufficient person who needs no one. A true example to the others.
I’ve raised myself to believe in my strength and never ever succumb to any pressure in life. To never say no to anything in life.
But, here’s the thing.
There comes a time in life when after a long time of pretending that everything is fine, you suddenly crack under the pressure and give up. Just like that.
You are living your life thinking that you can go through anything that life serves you, and then all of a sudden, it gets too dark. You feel that you’re losing direction.
You break into pieces. You lose every sense of self. You try to find those broken parts and glue them up, but you don’t have the strength. You desperately try to wipe those tears that are rolling down your face, but you are not powerful enough to do that.
And you finally realize that no matter how much you try to maintain this positive, strong posture, your insides are burning. Your soul is exhausted.
You are not the person you desperately showed the world you are. You are a fragile human being. You are a dandelion in the wind. Your heart is made of glass. And right now, it’s broken into million pieces.
Well, that is how I feel. That’s exactly how it’s been for me for the last couple of months.
And I am afraid. I’m terrified.
I’ve always been the one who had the strength to do the impossible. I’ve fought for the things I loved, I’ve faced my scariest nightmares, I’ve experienced the most painful heartbreaks, I’ve learned to stand on my feet when there was no one else to hold me and I never gave up.
And now, all of a sudden, it feels like I was never that person I thought I was. It feels like I’ve spent my entire life desperately trying to prove to myself and to everyone else that I am not a coward. But, in the end, I was wrong. Because right now, deep inside, I feel as if I wasn’t that strong after all.
I feel completely exhausted.
In fact, the term exhausted doesn’t even begin to describe my current state.
No, I’m not physically tired. I don’t need to sleep. I don’t need to take a nap. I’m simply no longer powerful to keep moving on my own. So, here it is. My confession.
I’m sick and tired of pretending to be strong. It’s true.
I’m tired of being a Supergirl. I’m tired of smiling when my soul is crying. I’m tired of being so emotionally available to everyone out there. I’m tired of finding ways to always be there for everyone. I’m tired of swallowing my pain. I’m tired of bottling my emotions. I’m tired of proving to myself that I am strong.
I may seem tough on the outside, but deep down, my soul is hurting.
Deep down I feel like its finally time to stop running away from my feelings.
I NEED to feel vulnerable again. I need to face my demons. I need to dive deep inside my soul and find myself. I NEED TO UNDERSTAND that I am just a human being. I need to be loved. I need someone to take my hand and pull me up. And I am not afraid to admit it.
So, to all of you out there who are feeling the same, listen…
There’s nothing wrong in asking for help. There’s nothing wrong in needing someone to reassure you that it’s okay to not be strong all the time. Don’t be ashamed to show the world how fragile you are. Open your soul and allow yourself to feel.
