Depleted is not a word that is strong enough to describe the way I am feeling now. I am tired, I am exhausted. Depleted beyond repair. And this tiredness goes beyond the physical. It is an emotional one.
I am tired. I am tired of being strong. I am tired of having to put on a smile and a brave face every day. I am tired of being the shelter for everyone, caring for everyone, and still having no one to save me when I need saving.
And here I am. Sitting here, feeling lost and tight in my chest. I don’t know where to look for direction. I am done trying to pretend and hide my feelings.
I have read and written many articles about the strong, powerful, alpha woman. Every woman’s dream. I wasn’t a woman like that, but life has made me one. When I was going through the worst time of my life and there was no one around me to give me a hand, I had to stand up for myself. I had to face my fears and insecurities and find the strength inside me to help me through it.
To the outside world, I have always been a strong, powerful, and infallible woman, able to do everything.
Other people still see me like that. They see my strength, my willpower, my ability to face everything and not give up. However, my soul is depleted. They don’t see that inside I am breaking…
I feel like I’ve spent my whole life trying to prove myself to others that I am enough, that I am strong and capable of enduring everything that life throws at me. I’ve wasted so much time and energy trying to be my best self, and now I am exhausted.
Because, when you are always the strong one for everyone else, you often forget about yourself and your needs. You don’t ask for help. You keep on pushing until you reach a breaking point and you hurt yourself in the process.
Now, I’ve come to the realization that I don’t have to be strong all the time. In the past, I had this belief that it was somehow shameful to reveal my weak moments. What would they think of me? What if someone sees my pain? Will they judge me? Will they think less of me?
I am exhausted. I am done with pretending that everything is okay and hiding my vulnerability.
I am a strong and independent woman financially, but I don’t wish to be emotionally unavailable and out of touch from my true self.
Yes, I said it. I want to be held by someone. I want to be loved and cared for. That’s not a weakness. We all need someone who will be there for us to remind us that we don’t have to be strong all the time. Someone who will hold our hand and shows us the power of love.
Someone with whom we can be open, vulnerable, honest, and our most authentic selves without fear of judgment.