I’ve built my walls high and I know it will take a lot for someone to bring them down. I’ve become so fiercely guarded and protective of myself that sometimes I am scared that I won’t allow anyone near my heart ever again.
And do you know why?
I am guarded because I’ve had my heart broken, many, many times. I am guarded because I am all I have. I still carry pain inside me that at times is unbearable, but it is there to remind me that it can happen again.
Of course, we’ve all been hurt before and this is not an excuse for me being overly cautious and reserved instead of living my life freely, but I’ve been down that road before. I ran freely towards life, I’ve given way too many chances to people, but I’ve tripped every time and some of the bruises that I’ve got still hurt. So, I walk. I walk carefully and slowly. I pay attention to all the details in my surroundings because I am terrified that if I fall, I won’t be so lucky to get back on my feet this time around.
I am guarded because my armor was always the strongest one. No one was strong enough to ever protect me as fiercely as I protect myself. And I won’t stop guarding myself and my heart until I find someone who will show me otherwise.
You see, I am no stranger to trying and failing. And even though that has made me stronger, it has also left me more fearful and worried about all that can go wrong.
I am guarded because I trusted friends, family, and partners that betrayed me and took my love for granted. That’s why now, I don’t trust anyone so easily.
People say that I should be more open and that this is a very pessimistic way of thinking, but they don’t get how hard it is to always have the reminder of the possible hurt in front of you. It’s like I can see the hurt and the damage approaching me before they break me.
It’s my choice to be guarded. Because no one was made me feel safe and secure. Because no one has ever loved me without inflicting me pain. And because I’ve always protected myself better than anyone did.