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An Open Letter To Everyone Affected By My Anxiety – I’m Truly Sorry For Everything

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Let me start by saying that when I refer to anxiety I’m not talking about the kind of anxiousness that everyone experiences right before an exam, or when they face a dangerous situation.

I’m talking about the general anxiety disorder – a mental illness that comes in like a hurricane and destroys everything.

This goes to everyone ever affected by anxiety. I’m truly sorry for everything anxiety forced me to do. And I’m sorry you have to deal with it. It’s a part of me, but it is not who I am.

Anxiety is a raging fire inside me that barely ever stops. And it seems like no matter how hard I try, I can’t put it out. It is only getting brighter, and stronger. It’s late night tossing and turning until the break of dawn.

It’s my mind constantly running a marathon. It’s trying to look calm and undisturbed, while inside my head there’s a chaotic drum line on loop. And it just keeps on going. Forever.

Anxiety makes me go crazy. It makes me say things I don’t even mean. It’s constantly making me spill things I’m not supposed to say. It’s turning me into a person I don’t want to be. Because it is my mind who’s playing tricks on me. And I feel like I’m not strong enough to defeat it.

I’m sorry for every scene, for every embarrassment I’ve caused you. Anxiety is a burden not only for me but also for everyone around me. It makes me lose people who I truly care about.

It makes me extremely paranoid that I’m no good. That no one truly cares about me. It’s making me shiver from fear and it feels like I’m going mad.

And the worst thing is, it doesn’t always add up like in mathematics. I’m not always capable of finding X. Because sometimes the whole problem is that there is no problem. There aren’t any life or death occurrences. There’s no disaster or a certain tragedy.

There are only feelings inside my mind. Feelings and thoughts that appear at the same time. In such intensity that I fear they could crack open my skull.

Anxiety is making me stay at home on a beautiful sunny Saturday because of the sheer fear of bumping into people.

Because of the feeling that I might not be strong enough to endure the pressure. It makes take a goddamn pill every single morning, just so I can find fight those demons inside of me.

It’s turning me into a person who lives in the darkness. In someone who constantly drinks coffee, nervously taps with their legs, and bites their fingernails until there’s blood. And it’s getting me closer and closer to the verge of a freaking breakdown.

Hear me when I say this, it is madness. If there was a way I could just make this stop at once, I would. But, for now, I don’t have the power to shut it all down. I keep doing what I do best. Surviving.

And for that, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for every canceled plan, for every drunken text, for every unnecessary rant. I’m sorry for having you involved in all of it.

But, most importantly, to those who still stayed regardless of it all, I can’t find enough words to thank you.

I’m grateful for having you. Thank you for understanding me.

Stephanie Reeds

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