He was sweet and charming. Addictive even. He was the kind of man every woman would like to be with. And I … I was his perfect prey.
I was always feeling confused. I was always careful about the way I talked to him because he always found a way to make me feel and look like a liar. I was always searching for the right words so as not to mess things up and provoke a torrent of accusations.
And the funny thing was that I never tried to lie to or cheat on him.
Yet, his questions, tactless remarks, cynical comments, and accusations never stopped. I was always the one who was responsible for everything that was going on in our relationship. I was the one to blame even for his own mistakes and wrongdoings.
If all this sounds familiar to you and you’re constantly telling yourself that both the situation and the person you’re with are going to change – sorry, but you are awfully wrong.
Because I’ve learned from my own experience that every time you try to explain your actions and justify yourself, you allow the other person to question you and your character.
You’re consciously submitting yourself to their criticism without cause. And by doing that, you waste a considerable amount of time and energy on nothing more than flattering their fragile ego.
All they’re trying to do is deflect your attention away from their own mistakes and vile actions and direct it to you. This oftentimes means accusing you of something you’ve never done and pointing out things that have happened in the past or maybe haven’t happened at all.
You’re wondering how I know all this stuff?
Well, I was in a relationship with an abusive narcissist like that for a whole year. So, believe me – I know what I’m talking about.
Are you wondering, too, how I fell into his trap?
Pretty easily actually. First, this devilish narcissist used his charm to steal my heart and get under my skin. Once he knew I was deeply and madly in love with him, he gave his best to learn what my insecurities and fears were.
That’s how he recognized in me the people-pleaser and the need for validation from the person I’m in a relationship with. And all this made me his ideal prey. I should’ve known this the moment I began questioning my behavior and character.
If you’re with someone who constantly bombards you with questions about your sex life – walk away from them. They don’t need to know how many men or women you’ve slept with. They don’t need to know your last crush.
If you constantly feel that they’re trying to manipulate you and project their own insecurities onto you, know they most probably are.
When you’re with this kind of person, it’s totally irrelevant whether you have every right to be disappointed with them. Because you’re not allowed to question their actions and words. And as for your feelings, they’re never going to be validated.
So, please, never try to justify yourself. Never try to explain your actions to them because they’ll always find a way to make you shut up and make you look like you’re the bad guy.
Don’t try to remind them of what a loyal girlfriend or boyfriend you are or how much you love them. Because they’ll always find a way to make you look and feel like you’re a cheater, a manipulator, and a liar.
And I repeat: Don’t tell them that you’re ready to do anything to prove yourself to them.
Because you’ll waste your life justifying yourself for things that you shouldn’t. Because they’ll never do the same for you. Because they’ll never change.
Because you deserve someone better.