Last night, it happened again. I couldn’t fall asleep because I was thinking of you. I don’t even know why you are still on my mind. I promised myself that we are over and that I will move on, but somehow, I can’t. I’ve spent so much time looking down at my phone, hoping to see your name on my screen. I was missing you so much that I didn’t realize that I was losing myself in the process and letting myself down.
When I first met you, you were the light in my life. I had so much faith in us and our future together. I never thought we would ever grow distant. But we did. And it was brutal. It was one of the most painful breakups I have ever had even though we were never officially together.
And do you know how difficult it is for me to explain this to someone? How can I tell someone that I am grieving over someone I never even had? I spent many months with you, and when you were not with me, you were in my mind. We were texting and talking constantly. I shared everything with you. But, slowly, it all started to fade away until we stopped seeing each other entirely.
And what pains me the most is the fact that we could have been great together. We could have built something lasting. I believed in us. I believed in you. I fought for us and our connection, but I stopped when I realized that I was fighting alone.
The hurt from losing you is not any less just because we were not in a relationship. I loved you. I was physically, emotionally, and mentally invested in you. I enjoyed spending time with you that I ignored everything you said when you told me you didn’t want a relationship. And perhaps that’s where I made a mistake. Perhaps my hope that one day we will be together screwed me up.
How could I be so dumb? I am here, writing about you, thinking of you, losing sleep at night because of you while you are probably out there, dating and sleeping with someone else. You are with another girl while I am here still hurting while trying to get you out of my head and my heart.
I was looking for forever. I was looking for love and commitment and you involved me in a friend with benefits situation. I knew I didn’t deserve it but still, it was hard to let you go.
Now, a few months passed since we last kissed and held hands. I still talk to you from time to time, just so we make sure we are okay, and I see you around in town sometimes. We hug, we greet, we ask each other cliché questions. Our connection is lost and we both know that. And we are not trying to rekindle the fire that once burnt between us.
I wish you well, of course. But now I know what I want and what I deserve. And I am sorry that I couldn’t get it with you.
