I am still recuperating from what you did to me. But I am still relieving every moment of our life together in my dreams. I still see you at night. As vividly as my eyes can see. I still feel the daunting pain in my chest. I still sense your presence as though you are right there beside me. Because I still love you. With all of my heart.
I hate myself for saying this, but sometimes I even think that I won’t make it without you. Sometimes my mind takes on a life of its own, gets lost somewhere inside my noisy brain and makes me think that I will never survive this pain. It somehow tries to convince me that I will never be myself without you here.
And I am afraid. Not from ending up all alone. But, from drowning in my own sorrows, giving in to my weakness and reaching out to you. I am afraid that missing you this much will not do any good to me. I am afraid that loving you this hard might come back as a razorblade boomerang and cut me in half. I am afraid that I will fall down on my knees and beg you to tell me that you love me.
Yes, that is right. I am afraid. I am weak. I am desperate. And I miss you. Sometimes I even get writer’s block from opening up my heart here because I know that you are somewhere out there lurking, waiting to read my thoughts.
But regardless of the pain, regardless of the undying love, I have for you, regardless of the fact that my heart cannot seem to forget you … Regardless of it all, I know that I must let go of you. Cut you off for good. I am aware of all that. I know that doing that is the only way for me to really recover.
And as much it is hard for me to find the strength in myself to do so, I know that I must find a way to somehow do it. Because this won’t last forever. I know it is painful to accept the fact that the person I loved the most will never love me the same way, but I also know that there is a whole life ahead of me. There’s a whole journey that is waiting to be unraveled.
It will take time, but I know that one day my heart will erase you from my memory and I will find what I have been looking for.
One day, I will come across a man who will know how to take care of my heart. Someone who will take care of it like it is his own. Because it will be. Someone who will stand beside me when the sky is the darkest and the storms are the heaviest. Someone who will give me the shelter I desperately craved.
Someone who won’t be afraid to show me his vulnerable heart. Someone who will know what loyalty means. Someone who will hold my hand for all eternity. Someone who will be there for me. A man who will love me the way I deserve and see me for exactly who I am.
And when that day comes, I won’t say thank you for hurting me and making me who I am today. No, you don’t deserve to be thanked for anything.
I will thank myself for having the courage to walk that road without getting lost in the darkness. I will thank myself for finally learning to love myself with all of my flaws and mistakes. I will thank myself for being strong enough to stand on my own feet without needing the validation from someone else.