Living with an anxiety disorder is a constant struggle. Thanks to my mental illness, I’m in a constant state of fear and paranoia that I just can’t seem to shake. As a result, my whole life has been turned completely upside down. I find everyday things impossible, I overthink everything, and I just can’t seem to do what everyone else can do so easily.
There is one part of my disorder that is much harder to deal with than the rest, however. My anxiety has convinced me that everyone I love despises me.
I Can’t Stop Overanalyzing Everything
I wish that I could just have a conversation with my friends without reading too much into it or that I could receive a text without studying it for every possible meaning. Every encounter I have is a minefield. Although most people are able to simply interact with others, I feel like I’m at war.
When someone’s kind to me, I can’t believe them. I begin searching for some deeper meaning and wonder “what do they want? Are they trying to trick me?”
You see, my anxiety has completely taken over. Right now I feel like I’m simply a body that’s being controlled by it. Sadly, all it wants to do is overthink and throw me into a spiral of paranoia and self-doubt. It stops me from taking things at face value and forces me to analyze every single thing.
Now, I can’t even speak to someone without losing control of my illness.
I Feel Like the World is Against Me
It feels a bit narcissistic when I say it out loud but in my mind, I fear it to be true. Most of the time, I’m sure that the world is out to get me. The universe has an agenda and I’m convinced that it’s not a nice one.
So, if the world is against me, why would the people in it be any different? Why would they want to befriend me, support me, or be kind to me? Surely if they behaved in those ways, it’s only because they’re pretending to like me.
I can’t rid myself of those thoughts no matter how hard I try. When someone’s friendly with me that little voice in the back of my mind tells me to run. It tells me that they hate me and that they’re either trying to hurt me or that they’re just taking pity on me. I can’t accept someone’s friendship, I can’t accept love, and I honestly don’t know why anyone would feel anything positive towards me at all.
I Have My Moments of Clarity
For years now, I’ve known that I have an anxiety disorder. Since then, I’ve learned about every symptom, how to understand my broken mind, and how to cope when things get tough. I can honestly say that I understand my disorder now and I am completely self-aware.
That, however, doesn’t mean that I can stop my anxiety from taking over.
Although I know that my fears of everyone hating me are based on anxiety, I can’t stop myself from thinking them. I know it’s possible that my friends and family really do love me, but I just can’t accept it. No matter what I do, anxiety will always control what I think. No matter how clearly I understand my disorder, I can’t stop believing that everyone despises me.
Anxiety has taken so much away from me. It’s taken away my confidence, my love for life, and my ability to do things that most people take for granted. Now, it’s even taken away the people that I love. This disorder has convinced me that everyone hates me, and I’ve pushed them all away because of it. All I can do now is hope that one day I will be able to rid myself of my fears and rebuild the relationships that my anxiety has shattered.
Do you know someone who suffers from anxiety? Share this article with them and let them know that you still care about them, even if they don’t think that you do.