I always think of you. And oftentimes I feel foolish because I base my decisions and actions on what you would’ve said if you were still alive. And it hurts not being able to ask you for opinion and hear your beautiful voice again. It hurts not having you in my life.
Sometimes all I do is wondering why you left me so soon and where are you now. I know you are in heaven, surrounded by angels and there is only beauty and peace around you. I am sure you are lighting up the skies with your radiant smile.
I know that you are watching me from there. I can imagine you shaking your head when I do something stupid and laughing when I repeat the same mistake for the fifth time because I never learn.
I know you are there, protecting me from the sky. I still can feel your presence and energy around me. And the thing that I want more than anything is you to be proud of me. To be proud of the person I am becoming.
It’s been a long and difficult road for me without you in my life. I miss your face, your voice, your hugs, your warmth… I miss everything about you and I would do anything to bring you back.
Now, I can only hope and pray that you are safe whenever you are and that you are my guardian angel who is protecting and loving me from heaven.
I like to think that the raindrops that hit my windows in the middle of the night are your way of reminding me that you are there, and you love me.
Sometimes I wonder what you think of me now. What you think of my apartment. What you think of my notebooks and my chaotic thoughts that are written there. I wonder what you think of the relationship I’ve been in, of the life I’ve built for myself, and of everything I write that at times feels so close to my heart that I have a sense like I am spilling all my blood across the pages.
Because everyone has their own coping mechanism, and I’ve found mine. For me, it was writing. I hope that you are reading the letters I write to you.
More than anything, I hope that you know how much I loved you and how much I love you still. And that I would do anything, anything, to see your beautiful face again.
I hope you know how much I miss you…
And I promise to make you proud. My angel in heaven.