How do You Know if You Are in a Toxic Relationship?

People often come to counselling with a quiet, nagging question sitting just beneath the surface: “Is my relationship toxic?” They sense that something isn’t right, even if they can’t clearly explain it. Some arrive after months of self-doubt, while others come because someone close to them has gently suggested their relationship doesn’t look healthy from the outside. It’s an unsettling place to be — unsure whether what you’re experiencing is simply a rough patch or something far more damaging.

It’s important to understand that a toxic relationship is not the same as a relationship going through hardship. Many couples struggle at times with communication, emotional distance, intimacy issues or the pressures of raising children. These difficulties can create sadness or frustration, but they don’t automatically make a relationship toxic.

A toxic relationship, by contrast, causes harm. It is unsafe — emotionally, psychologically, and sometimes physically. When you’re in one, your sense of self can erode so gradually that you begin to question your own reality. Clients often describe feeling like they’re “going mad,” or that their partner’s behaviour shifts the goalposts so frequently that nothing feels stable. Therapists sometimes call this “crazy-making behaviour” because it distorts normal expectations of respect, accountability and fairness.

Toxic patterns don’t only appear between intimate partners. They can also form within families, friendships and workplace relationships. In some families, generational patterns of violence, emotional abuse, bullying or exclusion become so normalised that each generation repeats them without realising. A toxic dynamic with a friend or colleague can be just as psychologically damaging as one with a partner.

So how can you tell when a relationship has crossed the line from simply challenging to genuinely toxic — and when it’s time to seek support from a professional couples counsellor?

Signs a Relationship May Be Toxic

Some warning signs are unmistakable — physical violence, sexual assault, threats, or a partner openly flaunting infidelity. However, many toxic behaviours are far more subtle yet just as harmful over time.

A typical pattern is conflict that escalates into aggression, such as punching walls, breaking objects, or using intimidation to shut down a discussion. Others experience sexual coercion or pressure disguised as “passion.” Some couples become caught in a cycle of threatening to separate, reconciling briefly, then returning to the same threats again — sometimes over days or even hours — leaving both people emotionally exhausted.

Toxicity can also appear through constant belittling, sarcasm or humiliation. It might look like one partner isolating the other from friends or family, disguising it as concern or protectiveness. Lies and deceit become commonplace. Stalking behaviours can slip in — checking devices, secretly recording conversations, or tracking movements without consent.

Many people describe the relentless drama as one of the most significant signs that something is wrong. They’ll scroll through pages of abusive text messages or late-night rants sent by a partner, family member or friend. Some notice that the toxic person often picks fights at inappropriate times — during work, in the middle of the night, or in front of others — creating chaos wherever possible. Boundary-breaking and name-calling become part of the daily rhythm.

For others, the toxicity is tied to emotional manipulation. Repeated threats of self-harm or suicide can trap someone in a relationship because they fear what will happen if they leave. Over time, the constant emotional turmoil leaves people exhausted, confused and with their self-esteem in tatters.

Sometimes, both partners contribute to the toxic dynamic and become so accustomed to the chaos that it feels familiar, even though it causes deep distress. In other situations, one person is clearly the perpetrator — controlling, dismissive or emotionally abusive — while the other is left questioning their own judgement. And then some come to therapy unsure how to navigate toxic relatives, friends or co-workers, uncertain whether to stay, set boundaries or walk away.

By the time someone seeks support, the behaviour is often deeply ingrained. Many describe feeling completely depleted, yet still uncertain whether they are “the problem.” The casualties of toxic relationships usually extend beyond the couple themselves. Children, in particular, can absorb the fallout and carry its impacts into adulthood.

If you’re unsure whether your relationship may be toxic, it can be helpful to ask yourself a few honest questions. Do you feel genuinely happy and safe when you’re with this person? Do people close to you comment that your relationship seems to be full of drama or conflict? Have friends or family stepped back because the situation feels too chaotic or repetitive? And what does your gut say — does it whisper that something isn’t just a “normal” relationship issue?

What to Do If You Suspect You’re in a Toxic Relationship

Recognising the toxicity is an essential first step but knowing what to do next can be overwhelming. Many people in harmful relationships find it extremely difficult to leave or even to set boundaries without professional support. This is where counselling — either as a couple, as a family, or individually — can be life-changing.

A skilled relationship therapist can help you understand what is actually happening in your relationship and support you in making decisions that prioritise your safety and wellbeing. Counselling enables you to make sense of the patterns, rebuild confidence and slowly repair the psychological damage that often accompanies toxic dynamics. For those dealing with long-term emotional abuse, therapy also provides a pathway to recover from the mental health impacts that can linger long after the relationship ends.

For some couples, counselling can create real change when both people are committed to doing the hard work. For individuals, therapy offers space to reflect on their role in the cycle, understand why they stayed, and develop healthier relationship patterns in the future. It can also help you navigate grief — because leaving a toxic relationship can still involve deep love, loyalty or hope, even when you know leaving is the right thing to do.

A therapist can also support you in managing toxic family members, setting boundaries, and protecting your emotional health in the future. For many people, the emptiness that follows after leaving a toxic relationship can be surprising — the chaos has been their “normal” for so long that calm can feel unfamiliar. Professional support helps you adjust to a healthier way of living.

If you or someone you care about may be in a toxic relationship, reach out to an experienced relationship counsellor. You deserve safety, respect and peace — and so do the people who love you. No one should have to live with the damage a toxic relationship can cause. With the proper support, healing is possible, and healthy relationships can become part of your life again.