Helping a loved one overcome their grief is one of the hardest things in life.
There’s this awkward feeling inside your gut that makes you feel like you are not welcome inside their world. A feeling that makes you makes you feel helpless. Like no matter how much you try to help them and how much you try to be there for them, you simply cannot give them what they need…
A feeling that makes you feel like you are not doing enough. Not trying enough…
And it hurts you know… It hurts deeply to not be able to understand them.
It hurts deeply to be there for your loved one, to hold them, to wipe their tears, to kiss their face, to let them fall asleep in your arms, but not be able to feel their pain, say something that will take it away from them or do something that will help them move on…
It hurts like hell. But not as much as grief hurts them…
That is why I want you to know that when a loved one is grieving, the least that you can do for them is be there. Believe it or not, in those moments, your loved ones need you the most.
Even if there’s nothing you can say or do to help them. Even if you can’t understand their pain…
Here are some insights about what helped me and what hurt me while I was going through the most challenging time of my life… I hope they’ll be of any help to you…
1. Don’t ask how they’re doing. Instead pretend they’ve already answered your question. I know it sounds counterintuitive and stupid. But here’s the thing. People who are dealing with grief don’t need to be reminded that they are not doing great. Because, in the end, what answer do you expect from someone who cries themselves to sleep every night? Of course, they are not doing fine. So, instead of pointing that out, make sure you let them know that you feel with them… That you believe in them. That you love them from the bottom of your heart. Be the light that they need in that moment, not the darkness that’s only pulling them down…
2. Don’t call to ask them if they need anything. Instead, offer your help without asking. I know that this is all done from the heart. I also know that most people are doing this is because they don’t want to impose… They don’t want to burden a grieving person with their presence. And that’s thoughtful. But the truth is… they need you. They need you more than ever. Even when it feels like they are avoiding you. Even when they don’t want to talk. Even when it feels like they are mad at you… Even then, they need you.
3. Don’t tell them that time heals all wounds. Instead, try to be brave and stand with them. That doesn’t help, not even a tiny bit. And we all know it’s not true… At least not always. The truth is, some pain lessens with time. But then again, other pain festers and destroys lives. So, don’t say it. Don’t make them feel like you’ve felt the pain they are dealing with. Instead, do your best to understand what they are going through. Take their hand and stand in the center of their pain. Accept reality as it is. Accept the fact that you are not being able to help them. Accept the confusion inside of you bubbling up when you look at them. Try seeing the world through their eyes for a change.
4. Don’t tell them what to feel. Instead, believe in them that they will win the fight. They can’t change their feelings even if they wanted to. They can’t make the pain go away. And they can’t ignore their sorrow… So, don’t tell them to be strong. Don’t force them to suck it up and look on the brighter side of life. Don’t make them be something they are not ready to be. Let them feel their emotions. Let them grieve. Let them cry. Let them scream. Let them sink into sadness. Let them be… Instead, believe in them. Believe that they have what it takes to win this fight. Believe that they are working on it at their own pace and in their own time. Believe that they will heal…
And whatever you choose to do… Be there for them.
