I am struggling with anxiety and depression since 2013. My brain shifts from anxious to depressive episodes making my life a living hell. Sometimes, I feel like these two take turns i.e. if my depression isn’t kicking in, then my anxiety is. However, there are times when these two monsters have a war with each other thus making me even more miserable.
These two hellish creatures are opposites. Anxiety tells me to get up and worry about getting everything done on time because I don’t want to disappoint anyone. Anxiety keeps my mind always going, overthinking and worrying, often without a reason. Anxiety is the force that tells me if I don’t do something others will think of me as incompetent. It is just a vicious cycle that has no end.
Depression, on the other hand, doesn’t want me to get up. Depression says to me that if I get up, I won’t be strong enough to face the world. Depression tells me I am unworthy, my life is meaningless, and I’ll never find happiness no matter what I do.
And when these two happen to be awakened at the same time, I feel trapped. I feel as if my brain is desperately trying to get out of my skull but it can’t. I feel frustrated, disoriented, and dizzy. I am unable to do even the simplest tasks and then all I want to do is say to myself, “Why the F can’t you just do the damn thing?!”
Then the feelings of guilt arise. They are the hardest one to deal with because I know I should do something about my condition, but I feel as if my hands are tied. The truth is, I desperately want to get better and behave like a “normal” person, but I CAN’T and it’s killing me.
There is a voice inside me that is whispering to get my life together and do my responsibilities, but then again, there is also another voice that encourages me to roll over into bed and sleep until everything passes.
I am still battling these feelings. I am still trying to get rid of the depressive and anxious episodes. And I know that there is nothing for me to do but go through the experience and be kind to myself. I need to remember that anxiety and depression are only chemicals that are out of place in my brain and they don’t make me a bad person.
