How The Narcissist Gets Away With Abusing People And Come Off As A Good Person

I think you’ve been there before. You learned everything about the narcissist, you know who the narcissist is, but the thing with narcissists is they have “lucky charms” that work for them and carry their dirty laundry while making sure no one sees that the king is naked. So, it is very hard to live in a world that seems to be created to breed and serve these cheaters and manipulators.

These chameleons have multiple faces that they proudly display to others and each face is more deceitful than the previous. They can talk and engage with any social group and be liked by everyone. However, there is a catch – they usually have one target they have in mind and that is a person who has qualities of compassion, integrity, and empathy. Why? Because the narcissist envies anyone who is better than them and in their mind, they become a threat that needs to be eliminated. The narcissist feels they must dim their light fast.

Sadly, the target will become enlightened to the true self of the narcissist, they will see behind their mask but they will not be able to do anything because they are so deep in the connection with them. This form of abuse happens in all kinds of relationships from romantic and family to work ones. It takes place in any situation where the narcissist is able to abuse and manipulate another human being.

So, how the narcissist is able to get away with all the manipulation and still be seen as a good person?

The narcissists are very skillful at managing the ways how other people see them. They can praise their ‘victims’ when they are with them in public, but demean them and criticize them behind closed doors. The narcissist has the ability to provoke others into reacting emotionally which will make them look unstable. That’s how the narcissist covertly abuses their victims – by making them look like they are the abusers and not the victims.

Whenever they get in contact with someone new, the narcissist is immediately labeling them as someone who may be useful to them and a threat or if not, they don’t bother with them. Those people who get labeled as a threat whether because of their education, talents, success, competence, or other qualities that are important to the narcissist, will first get praised and adored by the narcissist before getting utterly devalued and discarded.

The narcissist will build a mighty pedestal for their victim in order to stage their destruction. They will first idealize their victim, but they will later keep them off-balance by not letting them know where they stand in the narcissist’s life. That’s how the narcissist inflicts pain and doubt into their heart. Therefore, the chosen victim will get devalued and idealized at the same time together with the other victims of the narcissist until getting kicked off from the pedestal for calling the narcissist out of their shit.

In the narcissist’s labyrinth of manipulation, mind-games, and lies the only winner is the narcissist and the victims who are actually able to leave the narcissist and move on with their life.

Moreover, narcissists have something in them that makes people trust them. Whether it is their handsome appearance, their charm, their intellect, or something else, there is just something in them that is mesmerizing to others. This is called a “halo effect” in psychology which is a tendency for people to take one good trait (for instance: “They are so charming”) and then attribute it to the rest of their personality (They must be a smart and good person too!).

And because the narcissist spends their whole life designing a very alluring but false image about themselves, in front of other people they appear to be very caring, warm, and kind. They drive people in with their false trustworthiness and supposed but nonexistent integrity. They carefully choose their victims to be ones who have not yet seen their true self or are willing to disregard all the red flags.

If, however, the narcissist feels they are in trouble of being exposed, they will defend themselves claiming the victims are the problem because they want to cause problems without a reason.

And the reason why we are not equipped to deal with these manipulators is that when someone treats us badly and abuses us in some way, we tend to project our own sense of empathy and morality towards them and convince ourselves that deep inside they are a good person.

That’s why it is so important to validate our inner voices and speak up. If you are a survivor as well, then we should all raise our voices and spread awareness to confront these abusers. That’s how revolutions begin. We are all in this together and we can stop this madness.

How Do Narcissists Act When They Are In a Relationship?

Every relationship with a narcissist has its challenges. A narcissist is someone who doesn’t know how to love anyone other than themselves. In fact, they don’t even love themselves let alone another person. A narcissist is so focused on their image and on themselves that they don’t see their partner as a separate human being with needs and feelings; they only see them in terms of what they can get out of them. Therefore, the partners and children of the narcissist are only valued by the narcissist to the extent to which they meet their needs.

And yet, there are people falling in love with narcissists every day. That’s because a narcissist is a charmer. They are someone who is the life of the party. They can interact with any social group because their energy is captivating. So, they can make anyone feel great if they are the person that they choose to be in a relationship with. They will make you feel glad that you are with them and therefore, you will do anything to not lose this precious spot in the narcissist’s life. And that gives the narcissist power over you and an ability to control and manipulate you.

A relationship with a narcissist starts off very passionately, but that passion doesn’t last long. The excitement in the beginning suddenly vanishes as the narcissist shows their true colors. Narcissists tend to fall deep in love instantly with someone they don’t even know and commit to them very quickly. However, this ‘love’ has a short shelf life as their feelings of infatuation decrease and their self-absorbing ways increase.

A person who is in a relationship with a narcissist often feels very lonely in the relationship. They may even feel like they are non-existent and their needs and desires are overlooked and not important. The narcissist is behaving as if they are always right and their partner is the one who is wrong and is always belittling them and mocking them to ‘prove’ to them how incompetent they are thus further diminishing their self-worth.

This type of relationship is toxic and no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist.

What You Should Say To a Narcissist?

You should be careful when talking to a narcissist to not offend them or criticize them even slightly and constructively. A narcissist is someone who wants to be praised, appreciated, and adored. Therefore, start a conversation with a compliment or flattery. That will get their attention. Then listen to them attentively and don’t interrupt them.

If the narcissist starts acting condescending and arrogant with you, don’t take it personally because they are accustomed to it. In fact, if they feel slightly criticized by you and offended, they will leave the room and probably ghost you and give you the silent treatment. If you don’t take this personally, then you may have a chance to talk with them again.

A conversation with a narcissist is a one-sided one. Expect them to talk endlessly about them and boast about their success, but when it comes to you they interrupt you and they show zero empathy for your feelings.

Being in a relationship with a narcissist can be compelling, to say at least. Narcissists are very expressive, knowledgeable, smart, handsome, charismatic, charming, and they will not stop pursuing you until they get you. You will fall in love with their passion and determination to get things done quickly. And if you happen to be someone who is not sure of themselves, then the narcissist will label you as codependent and easily manipulated which is the type they are drawn to.

It is only when the narcissist sees a change in the conversation from them to you that they will end the conversation. And this typically occurs when you start looking after your needs and interests instead of theirs.

The narcissist is someone who feels exceptionally entitled to you and your dependence on them. Therefore, they may make you feel afraid of them abandoning you and then losing their company. The narcissist intentionally makes themselves a center of your life and they do it as a means of manipulation and control over you. And when the relationship ends, you will end up blaming yourself and feeling heartbroken for not being able to talk to them and see them.

How To Deal With a Narcissist?

If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, then you need to reflect on yourself as to why you decided to enter a relationship with them and fall in love with such a person.

Were you abused as a child? Did you have a narcissistic parent? Do you like being passive and do your partner have all the control? Do you have a feeling of importance by being in a relationship with someone who is always in the spotlight? Does their criticism and superiority towards you are the same thoughts you have about yourself?

In fact, many people who are in a relationship with narcissists are codependent. They may even put up with abuse because they don’t want to end the relationship with the narcissist.  And the reason they don’t want to end things with the narcissist is because they don’t feel confident that they can find someone better.

Setting clear boundaries is essential when it comes to dealing with these manipulators. And you can’t set boundaries without first understanding your role in your relationship with the narcissist. Then you can start your healing process and walk away from the narcissist. Because the best way to deal with a narcissist is not to deal with them at all.