Dear Mother,
I can picture you lying in your bed in the morning, struggling to find the strength to get yourself up. You will never admit it or say it out loud to yourself, but a part of you wish you hadn’t woken up this morning.
A dark bit inside your soul hopes that one day you’ll drown inside your emptiness. An exhausted part of you wants you to disappear forever.
Because it’s a way better option than dealing with the demons inside your head on a regular basis.
I can sense your pain and I can see the question mark inside your eyes. It keeps repeating the same words… “Is life really worth all the effort?”
And I can feel the brief moment when you remember why regardless of it all, you keep fighting. The minute you see your precious, little ones, it all comes rushing back to you.
The will you were longing for comes back in an instant. The strength you were searching for strikes your body and gets you going. Because there’s no force stronger than the pure love for your children.
But, I still feel your pain as you make them their breakfast in the morning wondering what have you ever done to deserve their beautiful souls in your life. And at the same time hating yourself for wanting to fade away and never come back.
Because the inexplicable and pure feeling of love for them is in the same proportion to your guilt and despair. You can’t understand whether the tears down your cheek are the ones of joy and happiness or the ones of self-hatred and depression.
But, despite all of it, you remain strong. Mama, you’re a woman made of steel, yet your heart is the softest and most vulnerable part of you.
Because I see you every day, and I witness your fight. Each action you take represents courage. It may not be perfect, but that is irrelevant because you are there. You are there for them even if the sky is falling down.
You go out of your way and you show up everywhere. Work. Home. School. Meetings. You’ve dedicated your life to the love you have for them. You do what you have to do in order to survive. Because you are needed. To them, you are the only one that matters.
You might be struggling to pull yourself together and you might haven’t had a bath in 5 days. You’re driven by a 24/7 coffee diet, but none of that really matters because regardless of all the pain you’re still there. Because you chose to fight against it.
You chose to fight for your precious little ones. You are struggling, but all I see is a strong will and determination to protect and nurture your children. They might not see it yet, but their Mother is a saint, the bravest warrior, queen of the world, a true goddess.
People can hate as much as they like to, they can laugh at you, disrespect you, judge you for the way you parent your children, but none of that matters. I’m mesmerized and moved by your strength. It is a power and motivation I wish to have someday.
So, keep going forward and keep fighting, without having a care in the world what anyone thinks or says. You keep showing up and keep loving them. Because, at the end of the day, that is the answer you were desperately looking for.
Yes – it is all worth it.
Image: Anghelov’s
